Elizabeth M.
Ad 2:
2005-02-07 20:36:37 (UTC)

Starting Over w/out you

I have come to realize that if I let people, they will use
me and walk all over me. I hate to think that the world is
that cruel to people like myself who are compassionate and
try to help others and just love and be loved.... but I
guess that I have to face the truth. There are alot of evil
people out there and I need to stay away from people like
that. I have had my heart broken several times in my life
but nothing like this. The man I thought that I would live
out my days w/ is now gone. He is no longer to me, All I
have is memories of our laughter and him trying to take
care of me when I was sick, us talking about our future
together. He was so loving at times, I could just look into
his eyes and melt. I thought that he fell in love w/me but
I just I was the fool and didn't see that he was just using
me like his ex stated to me many times before.
I went out today and re-applied for a job that I had
before, I decided that my pride would have to wait. I have
less than 2 weeks to get a job before I start to live on
the street. I never told Mark about this because I didn't
want him to worry about me, But it doesn't matter now. I
hate going in circles and I feel that I am repeating the
same mistakes as I did before.
I am trying to get my life back, it seems that ever since
I got involved w/mark my life has gone down hill, don't get
me wrong... being with him was a perfect thing for me. I
just was too stuck on him to realize the mistakes that I
was making in my life. But all that has stopped. I am focus
again and this time I am not going to look for mr. right I
am going to let Mr. Right come to me. I thought that Mark
was the one for me but I guess I was not the one for him. I
guess I have to be fucked up in the head and a whore who
lies and hurts people to be his girl. That's a fucked up
Anyways, I am moving on. Robin and Ollie still would like
to see mark and I back together but I don't see that
happening anytime soon. They all told me that I am welcome
to visit there house anytime I feel like it and to hell
w/Mark. I don't want to invade his space. I like his family
and I get along with them. I like what Robin and Ollie has
and I wish that I had something like that w/Mark but like I
said before, I just don't see that happening anytime soon.
I have to finish applying to student aid for school in the
summer and fall. I am going to focus on myself for once and
fuck everyone else. I hopefully will get this job, I have
asked for 4- 10 hrs days and any over time, as well to work
on the weekends. I am going to look for a part time job as
well and get back in the routine for working all of the
time so I wont have to deal w/my sadness and broken heart.
Tomorrow I need to see what airline is going to be the
cheapest for me to fly. As Of March 3rd I am leaving for 1
week. Then In May, I am going to visit CA and poss move
there. This state has been nothing but trouble for me when
it comes to my love life.
The things I want most in my life are the things I can't
have and it kills me. I wanted Mark and yet I still cant
have him. I want a family and husband and still I am
denied. I am starting to think that there is something
wrong w/me. Am I asking for too much in life? Why must I
continue to be punished for my mistakes in the past? I am a
changed person and have been for over 8yrs. Why must people
take advantage of me and why do I let them? I just wanted
to be loved and have that relationship w/ the special
someone. I guess it's not ment for me and all of my hopes
and dreams will become nothing but nightmares for me.