2005-02-07 13:14:59 (UTC)


This weekend was unbelieveable. I have no clue what to do
or think anymore. Friday he goes to a friends house. When
he gets home he looks at me and says, I have one thing to
say and that's it. I want this to work. If it will or not,
I don't know. I just looked at him and said ok. Then I went
to bed and cried myself to sleep. Then Saturday I take our
daughter to the dentist. When I get back I go upstairs and
lay on the bed. I've just been so exhausted, that's all I
want to do. He comes up there and lays down next to me. He
asks me what's wrong. I tell him the same thing, I mean
what do you thinks wrong. He lays there and looks at me for
awhile. Then he starts to touch my face, running his
fingers through my hair. Then he touches my hand and puts
it on his face. I start crying and he wipes away my tears.
Then he starts crying and I wipe his away. Then he holds me
and starts kissing my neck. Then he kisses me, not little
pecks either, very passionate kisses. He tells me he's
misses me. I tell him we can make this work. He says I
think so too. Shortly after that, he leaves with our
daughter to go shopping. When he comes back I'm still
upstairs. He comes up there and asks me why I'm still
laying down. I tell him I don't know. He bends over and
kisses me and I start crying again. He goes what's wrong? I
tell him I don't understand why you can do what you did and
still not know. So I asked him if he knows yet. He's says
he doesn't but he's trying. He said he did what he did
because he wanted to touch me and be close to me. He also
said it's not fair to me and he wouldn't do it anymore. I
told him not to do that. That I want him to do that if he
wants. I hope it helps him figure out that he does love me.
I just can't believe that he doesn't if he felt like that
Saturday. I mean he wanted me, he needed me. I have to
believe that it's just his bad childhood that has messed up
his idea of love and how he is suppose to react to it. He
told me that he hopes within the next couple of weeks he
can tell me if we will stay married. If I want he said he
would stay for the kids, but I can't do that. How could I
live with someone I love that doesn't love me back. We
would have to split. It's the only way if he can't love me.
But I can't bring myself to believe that. I felt the love
this weekend. He feels for me, why can't he just let me
love him and give me his love back. I'm so confused and
hurt that I don't know what to do. Sunday I made the
mistake of pushing him with questions. I know I ain't
suppose to do that but after saturday I just need some
answers. He said I wasn't being fair and that he can't
answer anything yet. I ended up telling him I'm sorry and
that I don't want to bother him. He said that he would
leave me alone. I told him not to do that. If he wants to
touch me, I want him to. Don't hold back your feeling from
me. I told him I would try harder not to question him and
take things one day at a time with him. The good or the
bad. He says ok, but he stayed away from me all day Sunday.
I went up to the bedroom twice and told him he didn't have
to stay there. He just says ok and goes on. This morning I
told him that I love him and he says I love you too. God I
hope so. Please Lord let him know that he truly loves me.
Please let him come back to me. I love him so much, I need
him and I need his love. Please help him with his therapy.
Let that and the medication fix him so he can be my husband
again. I don't understand Lord and maybe I'm not suppose
to, but I do know that I love him and I love our family. I
will do anything to make him happy. Please let him love me
and be happy with me. Lord please answer my prayer. Let him
do what he did Saturday, let him do it more and more, so
he's knows that he does love me. Lord, help me coupe the
next couple weeks until he gives me an answer, please let
it be the answer I seek, please. Amen.