Just some girl

My Fight Club
2005-02-06 23:52:20 (UTC)

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time

--Fight Club. That was a terrific movie. So was Garden
State. In Garden State, the main character says, "Maybe
that's all a family really is; a group of people who miss
the same imaginary place." He was talking about how once you
move away from home, it's never the same when you go back.
Meaning, you never really have a place to call "home"
anymore. You don't get the same feeling as you did when you
were young. Well, I haven't gotten to that point in my life
yet. I guess I have a place to call "home", but everyday it
starts to feel less like home, and more like.. a house. No,
a prison. I can't just leave whenever I want. I'm stuck
here. I can't drive--yet. When I want to get away, I have to
walk somewhere, or ride my bike. And there's nowhere to go.
Yeah, I have a friend who lives 3 houses down the street,
but she doesn't understand me. When i try to talk to her
about how I feel, she just says, "oh sorry. Hey look there's
so and so.." and completely ignores me. She is so selfish.
And when my parents start arguing with each other and
yelling-pointing fingers saying, "You never let me do
ANYTHING!" That is when I realize how selfish people are.
And then I see that we are all alone. Yes, maybe some people
are in relationships and they have someone to go to for
help, to talk to, or just to hug. TO HUG. My mom has never
willingly hugged me. I've gotten used to that by now. I
guess she just isn't the "hug type". But sometimes a hug is
all I need. I need to know that someone cares. That I'm not
alone. And even though they may not understand, they can
still be there for me. But then I guess it would give me a
false sense of hope. Because that person might be there for
me at that very moment and they might say that they will
always be there if I need help, but sooner or later, they
will leave me. Or they will find someone else to comfort. I
guess that's why I'm so shy and timid. And I don't like it
when people get too close to me. It makes me uncomfortable.
And hugs are nice, but they make me feel weird too. Like
it's not right with me. Maybe it's because my family doesn't
like hugs.

I've never been in a relationship. Though, I'm not quite
sure why. Maybe it's because I'm shy. And when people start
to develop feelings for me and show me that they're
interested, I panic. Because that's the last thing I need is
someone to walk into my life pretending they care. And then
get freaked out by my thoughts about life, and then walk
away. And leave me--alone. Or Maybe it's because my parents
have trained me to think that relationships are some sort of
sin. What am I supposed to do? Everyone in highschool has
that desire to discover what love is all about. Some people
even marry out of highschool. What would you rather have me
do mom and dad, be in a relationship where someone cares for
me, and let's me talk to them about my goals in life, or how
depressed I get sometimes and to comfort me so that I don't
go psycho and suicidal? Maybe to just help take my mind off
those thoughts, and help me discover that life is much more
meaningful than what I think. Or would you rather have me
never be in a relationship, and be alone. Feel lonely, and
feel that life is not worth living. Or just let go of
everything, and turn into some highschool prostitute? You
decide which is better.

I look at my brother, and see how different he is now
compared to how he was before he met Brittney (his
girlfriend of like, 7 months). He's happy now. He used to be
depressed all the time, or maybe he was just ACTING
depressed. Because he seemed fine around school. He was a
jerk to me though. He used to hit me and throw me against
the wall and over couches. And cuss at me and call me a fat
piece of shit. And yeah, ever since then that's ALL I feel
like. A worthless piece of shit. I think that's what all of
us are. We are just on this earth to reproduce more
generations and clones of ourselves. And to take over the
world and it's resources. I can't wait till the earth is so
screwed up because of humans. Then what? HAA suckers. I
guess you didn't think about that. That's the problem,
nobody ever thinks about the future. They're just too
selfish, all they care about is themselves and whatever it
is they want. All those unnecessary materialistic things
that nobody really needs.
Anyways, my brother is happy now that he has Brittney. And I
guess I'm following in his footsteps of my age. I'm
incredibly depressed. And everyday is the exact same. It's
like a game I have to play. I wake up, feeling shitty about
the day to come. Go to school and put on a fake smile and
say hi to everyone I know. YEah, I say to myself, everything
is great with me. You just keep thinking that. Oh, the cuts
on my arm. You ask, have I been cutting myself? No, I say.
No-they're from my cat. Oh, I see, you say, I got worried
there for a second. HAha you stupid idiot, I say to myself,
my cat doesn't have freaking claws. Morons. Keep smiling
Jessie, the day is almost over.

But then I get home, and I realize, yeah, that day is over.
Except the only problem is I have like a million more days
to go. And they will all be the exact same. Filled with
selfish people and fake smiles. And I just do it because
it's routine. It's not like I get up and say, Yes. Today is
a NEW day. Full of NEW PEOPLE, and NEW ADVENTURE. PShh. Not
at all. Everyday is the same. Everyone is the same. YEah,
they have different personalities, but deep down.. everyone
is selfish. And jealous. So why am I here? If I hate the
routine of life so much, why do I keep doing it? I don't
know. I have nothing to look forward to. Sure, I'll have a
job someday. Hopefully it will be interesting. Doubtful.
Then I'll get married and have kids. If I ever let myself
get close enough to somebody. And then.. I'll die. So maybe
that's all I'm anticipating--death. Why don't I just kill
myself then? Maybe it takes away the element of surprise.
The miracle of death. How will I die? I don't know. But I
don't want to be the one who decides that. Will GOD decide
for me?

HA. That's another thing. My family is Catholic. And they
are forcing me to be confirmed, believing that I will want
to raise my kids Catholic someday. Yeah, the kids that don't
exist. I don't even think I believe in God. And if there is
a higher being, they don't decide what happens to us. Things
just happen. And that's all. There is no "big plan" for each
of us. Nothing happens for a reason. They just happen. Suck
it up and move on. Stop praying to God, thinking that he
might change his mind about YOUR "big plan". You're the only
one who decides what happens to you. You could kill
yourself, and that would determine how you die. Or you could
get a crappy job, and your life would just be crappy
altogether. You could do whatever you want. God has nothing
to do with it. Don't you see all the millions of people
around you dying? You wonder, why did these people have to
die? Why did you do this, GOD? These people were good. YEah,
that's because GOD had nothing to do with it. There IS NO
GOD. Maybe there is, how would I know? I'm not dead--yet.
That's enough of my philosophy about life for one day. Maybe
I'll describe more about myself personally in a little
while, seeing as I have nothing else to do. I can't get out
of this stupid house, remember? And school is overrated.
That knowledge doesn't go with you when you're dead. So I
don't care.

----It used to be enough that when I came home angry and
knowing that my life wasn't toeing my five-year plan, I
could clean my condominium or detail my car. Someday I'd be
dead without a scar and there would be a really nice condo
and car. -----