daily self deceptions...
And this is now.
So during the long talk with 'Dirty' he for whatever reason
brings up my past drug use. Bringing up how I used more
recently then he had. It felt as if he was rubbing it into
my face. Yet he refused to apologize. He did apologize for
upsetting me. He did apologize for getting loud. But he
didn't apologize for the act itself. Sometimes, he truly
scares me. I don't think he would ever physically hurt me,
but his anger is so strong. And for whatever reason even
from so far away his words cut thru me. His voice and anger
echo in my mind and I cry. He has an effect on me no man
has ever had. Ever. It's scarey and crazy yet fascinating
to me. I don't think he truly realizes this effect, tho
I've tryed telling him multiple times.
After I cry and we both calm down he always apoligizes and
it sickens me. I'm not twelve. Do not think your words will
always win me over. Yet he does. Sitting and thinking about
it now I'm actually making a grossed out face. Like a " the
nerve of him". It never hit me until now I guess. He's so
sure of himself, in everything. It's starting to bother me.
Don't think your smoothness can win me over. Don't think
just cuz you can smile and make me smile that everythings
all better and forgotten. The realization that he isn't
perfect is only now settling in. Which is a good thing, a
very good thing....