Charles Deason

My Blue Sky
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2005-02-04 19:13:09 (UTC)

Everyday is a born miracle

Today I'll be working on my car for a little while.
Its friday... normally I'm as happy as I can be on this day
but.. nevermind. I just got back home with my dad a few
minutes ago. We went to get my grandmother a new car so she
won't have to drive that station wagon everywhere. It was
hard steering it home behind my dads truck, but I did ok.
I love to be out in the world on my own, I feel so
free. I'm still not feeling too emotionally stable, but I
think I'll be alright. I know.. I wish none of this
would've happened, but I've learned so much because of it.
Even if the worst happens, I know now that I'm no longer
irresponsable for my actions and I'm finally all grown up.
My feelings were so fragile, only recently have I figured
that out.
There is no taking back my decision now. Whatever
happens now can change anything... but not my decision. I
hate being rejected. Its so hard going from day to day
being without the girl I love. And its even harder to love
her without being loved back as her boyfriend. But it would
be even more painful in life going on without her. Its like
I said in my last entry. By going with this choice, at
least I can say I tried my hardest and my very best. Sure
its not easy now, it may never be easy until the time comes
for me to go see her.
Even then, it still may be difficult. But my heart is
still rested firm on my choice. The only real hope I have
is in my prayers. I have no idea what will happen between
now and when spring break comes around in the middle of the
next month. But I pray every night that things don't get
any more emotionally depressing or difficult for me to
handle. Thats what really went wrong the first time I was
going to go see her. I just.. I broke down.
I was so lost in my broken heart, that I didn't know
what to do. I wish I could go see her as soon as I could
now though. But with everything going on I have to be very
patient. Until then, I'm preparing for everything that must
be done before hand. It'll be worth being completly ready
when the time actually comes. well those are my words for
today. later


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