daily self deceptions...
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2005-02-04 18:03:59 (UTC)

If it makes me happy, it can't be that bad.

Talked to 'Dirty' last night... again. For about, hmmm, 9
hours, on and off. ( time is needed to charge up the cell
phones ironically) At one point he stated about a surprise
he wanted to give me. And since I am to be there in April,
he said the surprise could be given to me as 'early as May
but probably no later then October'. So I knew he kinda
wanted to tell me for the fact he made me play the guessing
game. Usually we play the guessing game when it comes to
serious subjects and feelings and stuff becuz both of us
feel hellaciously dumb expressing these deep feelings for
one another becuz of how we are so far away, haven't met
yet, etc etc. Plus we're in our twenties and for whatever
reason act like we're 12 when we're talking. Anyways, back
to the point. So I started with the guessing and I failed
miserably. So with much help from him it came down to one
word to figure out. The word, was 'marriage'. Admittingly
stating he'd want to propose to me as soon as possible. God
that's so crazy. Crazy Crazy Crazy. I'd say yes in a
heartbeat tho. Pretty sick, huh. Since I still have the BF.
Things with the BF are the same. Because of my doings, I
kinda have been distancing myself from him the past 2
months or so. For whatever reason he just doesn't seem to
think anythings wrong. Or he does and just doesn't wanna
bring it up becuz he's in fear of the outcome. He actually
quit smoking weed becuz of me. (which is something Dirty
did for me in October.) My BF just doesn't make me feel
special. Our relationship really is more like just friends
anymore, which is how we started. I haven't slept with him
since New Years Eve... and before that I didn't sleep with
him for about 3 months. When I am with him I try so hard to
force feelings upon him which I just don't have. I'm scared
tho. That all this wackiness is becuz of 'Dirty'. I don't
wanna leave my BF for someone else. I wanna leave him
because feelings aren't there. I do love him. I'll always
have love for him. I just don't think I'm IN love with him
anymore. And I think thats only becuz 'Dirty' is in my life.
I can't discuss this with anyone. Because everyone would
think I was crazy. The only person who truly knows the real
story behind it all is my sister and she really just
listens, and doesn't give me advice. Advice would be nice.
People seem to expect becuz I'm in my twenties I should be
fine with making all sorts of decisions on my own and not
needing advice. Well, fuck it, honestly. If I could just
look in on my situation from the outside, It probably would
make much more sense to me. If only I knew the right thing
to do...

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