Charles Deason

My Blue Sky
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2005-02-03 20:52:40 (UTC)

I can't give up, I have to try at least once

I just woke up not too long ago. I drifted in and out
of sleep all night last night. I think I'm rested up enough
to make it through today though. I cried almost all night
last night. I forgot jc was in the other room and he
happened to see me crying. But I'm a bit better now. Astrid
is still going out with that other guy. I asked her if she
was earlier yesterday and she said yeah. I thought we were
getting closer but... I guess not.
Well, I'm sure things are a bit better between the
both of us. But it hurts to know that she has another guy
in her life, and I have no one. Its not her fault that I
stated crying again. I shouldn't have asked her about it. I
finally said it to her though. I really am comming to see
her on my spring break. Shes not going to break up with her
new boyfriend just to be with me again, and go back to the
way things were.
Shes protecting her heart, she doesn't want to risk
expecting me to come and then have no one again. I'm such a
bastard for doing that to her the first time. I'm lucky she
even decided to give me this second chance, that only until
recently did I accept it. I'm tired of only dreaming about
it... I can't live on dreams alone. I've waited and
experienced too much pain to just stop trying and give up.
These have been the sadest days of my life. I'll never
forget them. Why do I choose the hardest and possibly most
painful solution to my problem? I'm risking my life going
to see her... I also risk being hurt again, which to me is
a lot worse than death. And its not just that, I'll be
sacrificing time that could be spent having fun with my
friends, family, or me getting job for work.
BUT I... I don't know, I still love Astrid. Everything
I always ever wanted is right in front of me. There is a
chance I may not have my dreams come true... but isn't true
happiness worth risking all the pain I could go through?
Besides, I have to try. My heart is leading me this way.
well, I'll write again soon maybe.

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