emieloo

I'm Doing it For Me...
2005-02-03 17:52:52 (UTC)

I Don't Know What to Think...

Seriously. One minute, everything seems ok. We're
cooking dinner together, then we watch a movie while I lay
on his chest and we hold hands, then we cuddle as we fall
asleep. The next morning when he's leaving for work, he
stands at the edge of the bed and waves at me. That is,
until I get all pouty, so then he comes and gives me a
super fast, really half-assed hug when I usually get a
whole lot more...

Then I don't hear anything from him the whole next day,
even though I'm waiting to see if I'm going to. I finally
give in and text message him around 8pm, saying "I just
wanted to say hi and I hope you had a good day." He
writes back (shocking!) with a, "You too, enjoy American
Idol." I write back and ask him what he’s going to do on
his day off tomorrow. He says, "Probably nothing since I
have no money." I tell him that’s what I did all day
today. He says, "That’s good." And that’s it. How
generic can we get?!

Later, I text him and say goodnight, and he writes back
with, "Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite." What
the fuck is going on?!?! I thought everything maybe might
have been getting ever so slightly better, but now it’s
back to platonic friend-ness again?! I am trying really
hard to give him his space. To not call him or text him
all the time, to not ask where he is or what he's doing.
But then I think, won't he get upset because it seems like
I don't care to ask or that I'm not interested? Can I
really win in this situation? But, I guess that's what he
wants? I don't know. I am just thinking that in the end,
he's going to end up liking this better. This not hearing
from me, not seeing me all the time, not ever having to
call me, etc. And that doesn't make me very happy.

My mom advised me to just back off a little bit, and I'm
trying, I really am. She said to just spend more nights
here at home, stop being the first one to call or to text,
and start making plans with my other friends. I am trying
to get something together with Carli for Friday, so I
guess that's a start. I would really like to FINALLY
watch "Big Brother 3" with Arthi (and I know she'll read
this, so hint hint.) Actually, I don't even care what we
do. I just miss my friends.

But this is all so hard. I was in such a little routine
before; I would go to work, talk to him on my lunch break,
call him when I got off, he would invite me over, and I
would spend the night. And so on day after day after
day. Now all of a sudden, I've been informed that this
little routine was not ok with him, and he's been doubting
me and our relationship. Anyone who is so used to doing
the same thing every day can understand how hard and weird
it is to all of a sudden stop doing it. I think that's
why I'm having such a problem. I'm trying to back off and
give him what he thinks he needs right now, greatly hoping
that sooner or later, he will realize that he misses me
and he misses the way things were.

So why is it that I highly doubt things will end up that
way?




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