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2005-02-03 17:17:25 (UTC)

Feb 2nd until 11:30 of Feb 3rd, 05

Well the rest of Feb 2nd didn't go to bad. I had gone to
my doctors, did some breathing exercises whenever I felt a
fear of a panic attack coming on and managed to walk out
of there without having a single one. Also got on some
new medications, Paxil CR(25mg) and Alprazolam(0.25mg).
The paxil is an everday thing while the Alprazolam is
every 8 hours only if needed for panic attacks that I
can't control. He wants me to use it sparingly as it is
addicting. So I will listen to that because gods know I
hate addiction, I have been through that in my past and
never want to go through it again, personally I sometimes
feel that the reason I feel this way anymore is reactions
to all the drugs I did back when I was young.

Anyway, so I went to Eckerd's alone, waiting 20 minutes by
myself around complete strangers and was fine too, I was
actually proud of myself for that accomplishment no matter
how insignificant it may seem. I walked around the store
and focused on things that seemed intresting and managed
to buy a book, and toy for my son since even though he
drove me nuts, really wasn't THAT bad for me.

I left the store, felt kind of happy for the first time in
awhile, got home even through rush hour traffic, did the
dishes and cleaned up the kitchen so my mom could relax
when she got home and we could go to the grocery store
like planned. As soon as I got the dishes done, I sat
down, my mom came home, she didn't even notice the
kitchen, and went upstairs to change out of her work
clothes. As she was going upstairs she just happened to
yell out that my son was very good at school today and he
got a prize. Well... there went my idea, but hey not her
fault. He came in so happy with his new Ninja Turtle, and
I looked down with dismay at the crappy dollar toy I had
gotten him. My dad then came home, and suddenly I
remembered the dvds he had asked me to take back to
Blockbuster were sitting on the kitchen counter, I forgot
them in the rush to my doctors appointment. Dread filled
me as he rushed head long into the living room where I was
sitting trying to relax, yelling at me about being so
irresponsible and that he had reminded me so many times in
one day to take them back. Then he opened them up and
apparently one of the dvds were missing. I gave my son
the toy I bought him to try and placate my dad's ranting
and my son seemed happy at first, he was getting ready to
go show his grandma the toy his mommy had thoughtfully
gotten him, when my dad snatched him up, shoved the empty
case in his face and screamed. "Where the fuck is it?!"

Now I knew my son didn't have the PowerRanger dvd because
we had the burnt copy in our bedroom earlier watching it,
and the burned dvd has no label just handwritten titles.
My dad took away the toy I gave him, threw it across the
room and told my son to go upstairs and find the
PowerRangers dvd before he smacked his ass. My son
started bawling not only from the embarrassment of being
punished for doing nothing wrong, but the fact my dad
threw his new toy he was happy about getting from me and
also he thought grandpa was going to take his new favorite
movie from him, the burnt PowerRangers dvd.

I was so angry, and so sad, I wanted to scream and hit him
and just tell him to go in a fucking hole and die. But I
couldn't. If I did, I would get kicked out or make it
worse for everyone. Finally my son crying still, brought
his dvd down and showed my dad it was the copy. He looked
at him and was like, this isn't the one I wanted, where
did you put the one with the label? My son said, I don't
have it pappy. My dad called him a liar, shoved him out
of the way, went upstairs into the computer room, and
started throwing shit all around. He even turned my
computer off without actually shutting it down, which we
all know is horrible for a computer. What right did he
have being it isn't even his property? Sorry he was in a
bad mood. My mom started searching frantically for the
dvd too in my son's toy box and down in the family room.
I sat on the couch at the exact same spot, called my son
over and was playing with the new toy I had gotten him. I
kissed him, hugged him, told him I loved him. Finally my
dad yelled down, I found it! Apparently it was under some
papers near HIS computer. My son never touched it, the
fucking dumb shit never put it back in the case. All the
worthless yelling and mental abuse to my kid for HIS
mistake. God I wanted to kick him or something. My kid
didn't even deserve the yelling. My dad did that crap to
me when I was young and my brothers. Heck, my poor
brother got his ass beat black and blue back in the day
when you "could" do that because a video was messed up.
My brother couldn't even sit. What's funny is after my
dad blamed my brother, and my brother denied he broke the
tape several times, our godfather Charlie came over and
brought a new copy of the video he had broken earlier that
day. Charlie apologized that it got stuck in the VCR and
he had to break it to get it out. My dad said.. Oh well
that is okay, I had thought one of the kids broke it. Not
once did he apologize to my brother, not once did he admit
his mistake. I love my father, when he is a father. When
he is like that, I hate him with a vengence, he is one of
those guys where you are surprised you never see on the
news as murdered by his family. He is a good man, really,
he provides for his family, financially. That's the key
word though, financially. Never lovingly. He says he
cares and I believe he does, but he won't ever hug you
when you cry or say it will be okay. He does with his
grandchildren though, I will admit that. Fuck it, he has
problems and I am getting off the topic.

So after all this dumb crap went on, my mom and I prepared
for the store until my dad reminded her they had previous
plans. Fine, go get your flooring then lets go to the
grocery store, I needed out of the house for once. Really
felt the need to leave. After they were gone, my son was
Satan reincarnated though, he managed to stuff two cds
into a dvd player and got it jammed, well in my moment of
panic, not thinking, I broke the dvd player more by
forcing the tray to come back out and snapping it by
accident to grab the cds shoved inside. I called my mom
crying, shaking, dizzy. My dad was going to KILL me, he
just bought it. I was so scared, my son kept trashing the
house, no one was home. I wanted to just cry and cry and
cry. Finally my mom said.. calm down, we are on our way
home, with my dad in the background screaming about the
dvd player being broke and why I was so stupid and didn't
wait for him to come home and fix it. I hung up, called
my friend Angie, and she managed to calm me down slightly
just as my dad came in the driveway. I sat down inside,
breathing slowly, trying still not to have a major
episode. I had managed all day not to have one even
through the hell of them coming home.

Dad came in fine. No yelling, no nothing. My son threw
snowballs at him, he laughed. Something was up. He just
looked at me... I wish you would have waited for me to
come home, it costs about 50$ for that dvd player at
Sears, just buy a new one and replace it. That was it.
No argument. My mom and I went to the grocery store with
my son after that...

Oh my god the store... hell on earth. My son wanted
everything and every time we said no he screamed and
screamed and screamed. I looked at all the exits, looked
towards to where the bathroom was. Kept going though.
Managed to get the shopping done. At one point I spanked
him in the store not caring who was around or what they
would say, its my kid, they want to tell me how to raise
him, watch how quick I will turn on them and freak. That
is one thing I will not tolerate from anyone, no matter
how I feel about people, the threat towards my kid and
someone saying how I should raise him because by gods I am
doing the best I can. I will not let my kid grow up as
some little bastard that steals and hurts people because
of lack of discipline. Nor will I hurt him with too much
discipline, I will love him, coddle him, but I will not
let him scream in a store, kick, and bite because he
doesn't get his way and not punish him because we are in
public. I told my mom to take him outside after that and
I would finish the shopping on my own. Which I did
quickly. I think I forgot two small things. My mom came
back inside with him, he wasn't crying, he even apologized
to me. After that though, he wouldn't shut up. I mean,
on the way to McDonalds, home.. it was constantly.. yak
yak yak yak yak yak. We got home and my mom and I were at
our boiling points with him and my dad once again had a
piss fit because it took us two hours to bring him dinner.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat. I felt so damn dizzy,
my heart was pounding, I felt like was going to faint. My
head even hurt. I looked at my mom, tears in my eyes and
HATE THIS FAMILY! She got up and grabbed one of my new
pills before my dad came down to "shut me up". She knew
instinctly from previous times like this, my dad and I
would freak out on each other, say horrible things, go for
the throat, hit, kick, spit. The new Alprazolam calmed me
I would say about 15 minutes after I took it. My dad
never came down, I lucked out because he was already back
in the bedroom by the time I started screaming. The rest
of the night I felt relatively okay. I still had a short
temper with my son, but I felt calm about it. Not like
normal wanting to freak out on him. I told him my mom at
bedtime though, I would get him dressed but I refused to
sleep upstairs with him just for tonight. I needed a
break, needed my 30 mins of alone time to just relax. I
gave my son a kiss, said I loved him very much and I was
sorry for everything. I cried a little when he looked at
me and said I love you too and its okay mommy, I still
like you. I love my son so much. He is my world, I just
wish I could handle him better and take him away from this

I went downstairs, opened a book, started to read and next
thing I know I was having some vivid dreams about my
friends, black widow spiders, fantasy sex, and woke up.
It felt so hard to wake up and I have to admit I am still
feeling a little wobbly and fuzzy. Kind of like I drank
too much or slept too little. Yet in general I am okay, I
am here, I can control myself. I took the paxil today, so
lets see how this all works. As much as the Alprazolam
works it seems to make me a little too drowsy even after
the fact. One thing I dislike is zombie effect and it is
kind of that feeling. I am here, I am happy, but I am
lethargic and just don't give a damn.

Well that is yesterday and part of today so far. I called
my friend on a whim and asked if she wanted to go play
pool tonight, lets see if I can do that. If I can, I know
for a fact I can get through this. Granted there will be
good days and bad days, but I need to do this.