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2005-02-03 14:56:58 (UTC)

About Had It!!!

I just blew up yesterday. I had it, I can't take it, and I
don't care anymore. Remember when I said that he said not
to worry about us, that worse case senerio is that we would
have to start over as a couple? Well that was a lie!!! He
had his first session with a shrink and when he got home I
asked him what she thought and he gets mad at me for
asking. He says that he wants me to leave him alone. I
brought up the fact of what he said to me Saturday and he
says(get this), that's how I was feeling at the time. I
even asked him that day if he was just saying that so I
wouldn't worry, and he lies and says, no, that would just
make things worse. Well guess what, it has! Now I don't
believe a damn thing that comes out of his mouth. I told
him you want to be alone, fine, then I'm done catering to
his needs and making things good for him. I'm not going to
cook, clean, do his laundry, start his car up so it can get
warm for him, absolutly nothing! He says that every ten
minutes he changes his mind about us. One minute he wants
me and thinks it will work, then the next he don't want to
look at me, let alone touch me in anyway. Well I can't take
it! This up and down feeling I keep getting is driving me
crazy. It wasn't even a week ago that he says everything
will be alright between us. Now I know that I can't trust
him to tell me the truth, and that I'm completely alone. I
hope he can coupe because I'm not telling anything. He
wants to be there for the baby, well he better learn how to
remember things because when it comes time for appointments
he better look at the calender and figure out where and
when. I'm not telling him a damn thing anymore. He tries to
talk to me today and I'll have one thing to day. I'll ask
him if he knows what he wants, and of course he'll say no,
so then I'll tell him not to talk to me until you can give
me an answer. We have nothing to talk about if we are not
going to be married anymore. We'll figure out a schedule so
he can have the kids sometimes and that's all. One thing I
have learned from my mom is what to do if he leaves. By the
time I'm done with him he'll wish he had never met me. I
can't believe how stupid I was to believe that he really
loved me. Why couldn't I see that I was being used so he
could leave his mommy and have me take care of him. He
needed a way out, and that is what he saw in me. Now that
he has a good paying job and has everything he needs, so
he's ready to move on and leave me behind. All I was was a
stepping stone to get him to where he wanted to be. I love
you, but I'm not in love with you...Bullshit!!!! I tell him
that a bunch of bullshit and that it's one way or the
other. He says that's not true, he goes I love my sister.
Yeah, but you wouldn't fuck your sister, would you? He
sleeps with me, lies and says he wants to be with me
forever, basically use me until he didn't need it no more.
I still haven't told my parents about the baby, but I'm
thinking about doing that very soon. I hate that I'm going
to have to rely on them to help me but what other choose do
I have. I just don't care anymore and I hope he moves out
soon so I can start to move on with my life. I still don't
want a divorce, but I can't live like this anymore.