Arienette

We are nowhere and it is now.
2005-02-03 12:04:12 (UTC)

I know I ve been updating a lot..

I know I've been updating a lot really, but the answer to
why that is is quite simple; everyone's at school so I
have nothing to do while Tom sleeps anymore.

It's funny because Damien's in the same house but I don't
really think he's -here-. Oh well.


I'm a little tired of my life. I need to add a little
spice. I thought Damien could have been that but
apparently I was wrong. I really don't know what to do
anymore. Nothing seems to excite me, and sex is just
another thing, though maybe that's because it's with the
wrong people. But then, who's the right person? The only
one I can think of is no longer here and.. goddamnit, I
just don't think Jem's it, as much as I love him.

But anyway, there's more to life than love, right? And
drugs, I hope, because none of my pills or alcohol seem to
make it any better anymore, it seems like a rapid run
downhill.

I feel like I'm sinking back into my old self; the one
with the nightmares and harsh words behind her back. I'm
so fucking TIRED, so tired I can't sleep. The nightmare's
have changfed a little, of course. Always adjusting to my
lifestyle, how thoughtful.


IMISSTOMSOFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGFUCKINGMUCH. I want to die
but I can't let my baby down. Why must I always get myself
into these things?

Whenever I was depressed before I would think of Tom and a
light would shine in my eyes when I saw him, and I would
never think of suicide again. But now he's gone and it's
almost been an entire year and I still feel like the 16
year old who used to kiss my boyfriend goodnight and stare
at his freckles in the dark. I don't think I'll ever ever
have that again and I don't know if I want to. I just know
I need Tom to make this all better again, and he's not
coming back.




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