The Many Wonders of Nicole :-)
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2005-02-03 11:24:08 (UTC)

Another sleepless night

I honestly dont know how much more I can take of this. I
cant sleep, I have no apetite so I snack, I have no
energy, and I feel like crap. I dont think Ive had an
actual meal in a while. Besides the ravioli I had, which I
made too much of and then didnt each much of it in the
first place. All because of my raging jealousy for
something so stupid! I mean seriously, what kind of guy
who is in "love" with you, would go for your friend? Well,
the thing is, he tells me he is going to stop doing stuff
with her because it bothers me. And what happens tonight?
He hangs out with her till 2 in the morning while I am
downstairs, alone, pretty much in tears. I am so sick of
feeling the way that I do. I wish all my feelings about
him would just go away. I dont understand why he insists
on doing this to me. Is it to make me mad? Well, if it is,
its working way too well. I just need to stop talking to
him i think. Something.....I cant keep having fits like
this where I can sleep or eat or anything. I just want to
leave this place and never come back because of this whole
situation. I honestly dont see how he cant see what I am
going through. He might say he knows what Im going through
but he doesnt. He has no idea what so ever. I am going in
to see a counselor tomorrow so hopefully some of this will
go away. But I dont think they can take away the constant
heart ache that I have been feeling. He didnt even say
goodnight to me tonight. God damn, why do I care so much?
I really shouldnt. I mean, if he is rude enough to go for
my friends, then say he is going to avoid her for a while
for the sake of my feelings, and then spends the next
night with her till 2 in the morning, then I do not
believe he is worth it. I just dont understand how someone
can "love" me, and then put me through all this pain. Yeah
I understand that he is hurt and confused too but there is
a lot that he knows nothing about when it comes to me. A
lot of bad shit has happened to me in my life and it is
all stirring up now. From middle school being sexually
assulted, from sohpmore years crazy stage and getting
raped at the party, witnessing my moms cheating when I was
really young and having flashbacks of it, mom going
through chemo, andrew stressing me out and then everything
with school. Thats got to be enough to make anyone
depressed. But then again Im sure I deserve it. I must
have done something wrong through my 18 years of life to
deserve what I am being put through. I do need help, I can
admit that, but there is no one here that I trust enough
with all this stuff without telling me how sorry they are
or all that crap. I have it when people say they are sorry
for something that has happened to me. I guess there are a
lot of worse things that could have happened to me. And I
am sure there are a lot of people that are worse off than
I maybe I shouldnt even be complaining. Man, ive
even lost my faith in everything. I am thinking about
dropping my anthropology class. It is a total joke and I
am getting nothing out of it. I think I am going to skip
it again tomorrow...whats missing one more day right??

Until next time....if I can stand a "next time"

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