LibraLady

ImIn&Lost
2005-02-01 15:56:04 (UTC)

Holding On

Yesterday wasn't too bad for me and my husband. He has been
leaving work early and going home. His boss said he can do
this as long as he gets his work done before he goes. It's
weird that he don't tell me when he's leaving though. I
just hope he isn't hiding anything from me. I know I always
think the worse, but it's hard not to. I always manage to
be disappointed with my life. If he is having an affair our
marriage will be over. I can't live with or trust someone
who would to that to me. I really don't think that's whats
going on. It does seem like it's all of a sudden though,
but if he was he would have had done something this
weekend. As a matter of fact, he hardly ever goes anywhere
anymore. Yesterday he stayed in our bedroom most of the
evening. He told me that today is just not a good day and
he needed to think. Later on that night I went upstairs to
put laundry away. I asked him if he was any better. He said
it would be a long time before he would be better. I told
him that I just want us to be ok, then I asked him if we
would be. He said that's the plan. In a way that bugged me.
He just seems so at ease with the way things are. You would
think he would say yes, we will be fine. It was just two
days ago that he said he missed me, and not to worry about
us. Well of course I'm still worried. Maybe it just bugged
him that I asked that because he already told me before.
I'm the kind of person that needs to be reinsured. I guess
he can't do that for me right now. He also said that he was
going to try another doctor since that one won't call him
back. That's a good sign, atleast he's going to get
something done soon. I hope he calls someone today and
schedules a appointment this week. The sooner he does the
sooner this nightmare will be over. I've heard that when
people get on meds that there mood swings are worse until
they get adjusted to the medicine. I hope that's not true
because I just couldn't take him being in a more depressed
mood then he already is. What I need is patience. I just
can't wait to see what happens. He tells me we will be
alright, why can't I be patient and wait for it to happen.
I guess I think the longer he's like this the more likely
I'll loose him. I guess I'll try and do little something
for him everyday, that way he knows I love him and that I'm
trying too to make him happy. Lord I just need the strength
to be there for him and the patience to wait. Please help
him get through this and be happy. Let him love me and our
family enough to make this work, together. I need him and
love him dearly. Please take care of all of us. In other
news, I've been having morning sickness. My boobs are very
sore and I've been having cramps lately. I was kind of
worried about the pains, but I read that they are normal as
long as they aren't severe. I'm looking forward to the
doctor appointment. I hope nothing is wrong. I worry about
not having the proper nutrients before I got pregnant. I
don't want to have a baby with problems. Don't get me
wrong, I will love it no matter what. It just would make
things easier on my husband if he didn't need to worry
about that too. I hope it's a boy. I just would like to
experience both in my lifetime. I'd like to get the little
suits with the little ties for Christmas, just to have
momma's little man, it would be so cute! It makes me happy
to think about it. I still sometimes wish I wasn't pregnant
though. It would just make things easier on all of us right
now if we could have waited. I know that this just adds
more to my husbands problems, so all I want to do is fix
them for him. I don't know, I just need to quit worrying so
much and trust in him. I just hope he's telling me the
truth that it will all work out in the end, that he loves
me and he wants to stay with me, forever.




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