waseca

chronicallytrapt
2005-01-31 16:18:49 (UTC)

no promises

no can deny a lot has changed. bradley is gone.

the worst part of losing bradley was the fact that i
couldn't acknowledge to myself that i had lost him a long
time ago. even before he came here this summer. he has
found happiness, which seemed a fairly easy undertaking on
his part. i, on the other hand, still seem to be dealing
with it. but guess what, i drove down country road 9 (and
i take a ridiculously enormous amount of satisfaction in
knowning i am probably the only one who sees this as a
good sign.) what made that drive bearable was not my
strong will to get over what happened (because honestly,
left to my own devices i am sure i would have choose to
never get over brad) it was actually the fact that dan was
there. dan is my boyfriend.

i found dan, or rather, we found one another, by shere
luck of chance. i had never counted on seeing him again
after the first meeting...someone was smiling on me that
day though. dan has proved to be the lifeline i needed to
get over the enormous mt.everest that was bradley. without
realizing it, his love and comfort allowed me to find
myself again and it allowed me some of my first bits of
genuine honesty to be experienced in quite some time.

bradley proved to be a curse on our relationship and it is
nothing less than miraculous that we have been together
for almost three months now. it wasn't my unwillingness to
forget bradley which prevented me from moving on, but
actually the fact that i was never given the opportunity
to express my utter disappointment, frusteration, hurt and
anger to him...until he called me. he had an explaination,
as he always tends to...however, i realized then that was
the defining characteristic which made brad what he was.
excuses. bradley will always be my first love and i can't
change that, nor can i help the fact that i sometimes
dwell on the "what if's" of our relationship. what i have
accomplished is a new honesty and openness with myself-for
i realized far too late i have been fooling myself about
brad for a very very long time. treachery can only take
you so far and unfortunately for me i seemed unwilling to
let go of my made up reality. it was the reality vested in
my romance novels, my poetry, my diary and my mind. i've
been honest with none of it.this stubborn character trait
i seem to have inherited (or made all on my own) will
hopefully be remedied by the fact that i no longer feel
the need to put on an act and play a part i feel i'm
obligated to fullfill. for the first time i feel unabashed
at my own curiosity, unashamed of my honesty, and unafraid
of experiencing all these things with another person. i
think dan was right in saying the reason we work so well
together is that there are so many part of us which are
different, but we still seem to care about the same things
and find the same things important. though i refuse to
start planning the next ten years of our lives (together)
i do feel a reluctant optimism beginning to grow. however,
like i said, i make no promises...




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