LibraLady

ImIn&Lost
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2005-01-31 15:35:03 (UTC)

What's Next?

Now I keep asking myself what next. This whole weekend went
up and down. Starting Friday, I went to the counsling and
she tells me that my husband probably doesn't know how to
love anyone because he was never shown love. She says he
can't love me and he can't love our daughter because he
don't know who he is and that he don't even love himself.
She said I better be prepared for the worse and that I need
to find someone else to support me through my pregnancy
because he won't be able to be there for me. That really
upset me. She also said that he needs to be on meds and see
a shrink for about a year before he would be happy. I
decided to tell him some of the things she said. He says
she don't know what she's talking about, and you know what,
that's what the counsler said he would say. Later on that
night he came downstairs and sat down and stared at me. I
just looked back at him and said nothing. He then got down
on his knees in front of me and started crying. He kept
saying he's trying. I said I know and hugged him back and
kissed the back of his neck. Saturday I went shopping with
my sister and had dinner at my moms. He called me during
dinner and asked me to come home because he wanted to talk
to me. So after I ate I headed home. He told me not to
worry about us. That he has been trying to find a reason
for his unhappiness, so he blamed it on me. He says he
misses me and that he needs me and loves me. I asked him
how can he be sure that we will stay together? He says he
was wrong to say what he said monday, that he has no clue
what to think or do. He says he just knows that he wants to
be with me and I need to give him time to work on himself
so he can fix his depression. He says when it comes to me
and our family he has nothing to be upset about. Worse case
senerio is that we might have to start over as a couple and
relearn each other since he will be finally be learning who
he is. Yesterday I got up early and went to church. I
needed to be comforted and I usually am when I'm there. I
talked to an elder about my husband and he prayed with me
about that. I came home and he seemed in a good mood. He
fixed us some chili cheese fries and we watched a movie.
Later on we all took a nap. When he woke up he got on the
computer, then later on he fixed dinner for us, then got
back on the computer. My counsler told me that the role
playing games he does is bad for him. He thinks that it
helps, but it just makes his identity crisis even worse. I
didn't have the heart to tell him that because I know how
much he likes it and I don't want to make him mad. I figure
when he goes for counsling himself that they will tell him
that. I just hope he does everything they say he needs to
do. The only way this marriage will work is if he gets
better. It can't stay this way. We have kind of gotten
better the last 24 hours, the only thing that's bugging me
right now is that he still isn't sleeping in the bed with
me. He has slept in the recliner for about a week. I
thought that saturday and sunday that he would come to bed,
but he didn't. I figure I would ask him why tonight. I hope
that's not the wrong thing to do but I need to know why. I
just hope and pray that he gets better here soon. I don't
expect him to be happy go lucky in the next couple of
weeks, but I do hope I see a little improvement everyday. I
just want him to be happy and feel blessed to have me and
the kids. I want him to look forward everyday to coming
home and seeing us, and just realize that the past is the
past. That it's not his fault for what happened to him as a
child and move on. Lord please help him get better. I know
he is lost to You right now. Help him find his way back and
let our family be happy again. Amen.


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