From: LordDusky 5/24/2004 5:23 am
To: TheLadyDusky (147 of 222)
There are moments when you lay beside me with silk over
your eyes, your back pressed against my chest and my arms
tight around you, when you are one with me. Silent and
savoring and still. The lull. After starting but before
continuing, the moments when I am in your body but not
moving, when I am in your mind and you are receptive to my
words. Relax sweetheart. Breathe deep I say. And you do.
Tell me what you feel sweetheart. And you do.
You speak to me. Without hesitation you talk to me. Your
words flow easily. You speak freely. And I wonder why you
can speak to me at that moment. Why during the lull, only
to struggle with the simplest words every day?
When you are angry you don’t mince words. Why and how do
you become vocal in those 2 mindsets? Are you more relaxed,
more focused, more distracted? Is it adrenalin? How soon
after do you bottle up again?
And I wonder are you bottled up to maintain control? Do
the words come out during the lull or anger because you
lose control? Or does the anxiety you feel only subside
during anger and the lull, allowing you to speak?
Are you struggling to get words out or to keep words in?
You wrote in a post about cutting that you were not allowed
to have emotions, not allowed to express them when you were
young. So you cut to let everything inside come out. Is it
possible that you can express anger because that was an
acceptable emotion? And you are able to express sexual
desire because it is new to you? And since you don’t cut to
release all that other stuff it is overloading you causing
physical problems? Like the inability to speak, the anxiety
attack you had in your sleep, and the headaches?
And is it possible that if someone is around you can keep
the feelings repressed this way? Maybe that night last week
when you were alone and so upset those pent up feelings
started to come out on their own, like when you were in New
Orleans sitting on the grass crying watching the couple
If you go back and read your posts in one sitting, does it
make sense that you have been repressing those forbidden
feelings most of your life and they have been causing all
sorts of problems for you? Do you think that maybe you have
done this for so long that you don’t know how to express
your feelings by giving them words? And let them build an
intimate, trusting, accepting relationship?