TLC

Crazy Love
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2005-01-31 10:56:22 (UTC)

37

From: TheLadyDusky 5/23/2004 6:17 pm
To: LordDusky (140 of 222)

Your hor-moans linked sexy, makeup wearing, blondes to
baked goods when you were a teen? LOL!

In 2000, I would have said no and ended the relationship
immediately. You knew so little about me then even tho you
didn't realize it, and my biggest priority was to keep my
state from everyone else at any cost. No one was allowed
inside the loop. Because of the ssri disaster, you, my
family, my sister, and a few friends were let in the loop
by default. I wasn't in a position to keep anyone out.

So now not only is the big disgusting secret out with it's
dirty laundry waving in the wind, I've discovered that
those people who were let into the loop by default know
more about "it" than I do. You have no idea how
uncomfortable it is for a person who spent 20 years
meticulously hiding, shuffling, and accomodating an unnamed
illness, successfully keeping it a private matter, to have
now have others (and not people I picked) who have
witnessed the absolute worst episode I've ever had while I
cannot remember any of it.

It is a control nightmare. I would never have accepted a
marraige proposal knowing full well that I had kept you so
in the dark about who I really was. And now I can't accept
your offer with a huge chunk of my life missing. I feel
like I'm in the dark concerning the second half of a lilfe
changing event. Prozac to crash, crash to recovery. I don't
know where I've been, so I don't know how I got here.

I love you, I just can't do what you ask right now.


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