From: TheLadyDusky 4/14/2004 4:45 am
To: LordDusky (11 of 222)
To those reading along, this contains TRIGGERS.
I've been thinking about how to explain self injury to you,
as it manifests in my life. I know you have questions that
aren't addressed in the reading material I've suggested,
and I suspect that material has caused you to link together
my submissive play and my history of SI. Those two things
are not connected in my mind.
Tho I know many submissives are drawn to their choice as a
way to revisit trauma inflicted upon them at some prior
point, this is not the case with me. I am submissive
because I was raised that way. My parents are extremely
domineering, as you have seen. And they want very much to
keep me dependent upon them; not only does this give them
someone to push around but it guarantees that they won't be
alone when they are old and need someone to fetch for them.
My mother especially does not want to be alone in her old
age. Tho she would have prefered my sister, she is willing
to make do with me. They do their best to keep me beaten
Self injury came into my life in my pre teens, just about
the time other bipolar symptoms started to surface. Up
until that point, I was not permitted to have emotions that
my parents didn't approve of. I was not allowed to be
angry, upset, sad, or even too happy. I was not permitted
to say much more than polite pleasantries to grandparents,
aunts or uncles. And only my southern grandmother insisted
that I really talk to her. I had a very early disconnect
from my emotions. When bipolar behavior started to show up,
my parents announced that I was rebelling and "waged war"
upon me, as my mother calls it. I was to be squashed. Of
course bipolar can't be squashed! So not only was I
a "crappy, wishy washy, no ambition, whiner" kid, I was
also a discipline problem for not doing homework and crying
a lot. I tried to supress as much of my chaos as I could.
There were no words availlable to me at 12 or 13 to
describe what was happening to me. Everyone told me I was a
problem, and I thought they must be correct. I found SI
accidently. Probably most people do. I cut a little of my
leg on the side edge of a bic disposable razor. Instead of
pain, I felt a zing. I took the razor apart and sliced my
leg using just the tiny blades. I felt more zings. And when
the blood dried, I felt less stressed. That was all it
took. Cutting became my coping mechanism. I could flush out
all of the poison emotions at last, and I felt stronger.
There would be a ritual clean up and bandage session each
time, sort of a self nurturing closure after the cutting.
My self injury was my way of emoting; quietly and privately
for many years, for varying lengths of time. My parents
knew, they saw the cuts, they were told by teachers. They
ignored it. I carried the habit into my 30's.
When I met you I was numb. You could have stabbed me with
an icepick and I wouldn't have felt a thing. I just wasn't
in my body, so to speak. A traditional Dom would have been
harsh with me, verbally and phisically, and I would have
already been numbed to the behavior. But you saw my state
and seemed to understand. I responded to your gentle
encouragement, protectiveness, and warmth even tho I wasn't
able to let you know that. You have been a hugely positive
force in my life, and nothing about you is in any way
connected with my self injury. You are encouraging me to
experience emotions both good and bad, and you are helping
me to become a more whole person thru your care. (I can
make eye contact, and even kissed back for the first time!)