Stands Alone*~

Obsurd & Undiscussed Relations 2
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2005-01-31 03:12:12 (UTC)

2nd time today

Yeah, I'm back writing again...Since it's all I can think
of to do lately. I asked him to talk to me for a half hour,
like actual talk, no other distractions like halo or icq or
anything...that hardly worked. He called me as I was going
to call him and yelled at me for not calling sooner. When
he was the one that was early...I was waiting till the end
of cops...I'm sorry it didn't end soon enough for him.
Then, as we were talking he was looking up his and my stats
on halo and reading about some movie that is coming out and
I was like, you know, you can read that in your head
because I really don't care too much...I asked him if he'd
just talk to me and he said he was, as he was laughing over
some stupid thing on the internet. I then asked him if he'd
rather watch more stupid movies or whatever it was, or talk
to me since he promised he would. He said he'd rather be on
the internet so here I am. He said "I still love you
though". Like that's supposed to clear everything up. I
just spent like $55 on him too...I'd better keep the
reciepts (sp) for that crap so I can take it all back. It's
not seeming to get much better. If I had my car, I wouldn't
have to rely on him so much and it might make things
better. Sad thing is, we probably won't make it to me
getting my car. Actually this is probably how my future
will go:

*Things will get a little bit better (or so he'll make me
think) and then they'll go to hell again. This will keep
happening, draining me more and more, until after we're
married or something. He'll always be gone, and I'll live
for the little moments that he spends with me...the hugs
and kisses and i love you's getting fewer and fewer until
we're just basically two occupants of the same house.
Hopefully we'll have kids though if this really is my
future because I'll need something to love and something to
love me back. It'll basically be like I'm his mom...it
already is...I make him food and clean up after him and
remind him to do like everything he needs done. And if he
refuses to do it, I'll just do it myself. He'll probably do
it wrong anyways.

I don't want my future going this way...I really dont. But
I'm already drained and just don't want another fight. I
guess I'm going over to his house tomorrow, lack of car
thing again, for a bit until we have to go back up to the
school. It seems like he gets out of me what he wants and
then says it's always me that wants it. I do it to make him
happy...most of the time anyways...Either that, or to have
some feeling of a connection between us. This whole writing
thing isn't good. I mean, it's good to do, to get my
feelings out, but when the words flow like this it only
means one thing. It means I'm going back to the way I used
to be. I really can't stand that again. I thought I was
finally getting better. Thought I was finally being loved.
This is so...DUMB! I'm out of ideas, I really am. I
shouldn't be feeling so sorry for myself, I'm sure there
are tons of people who are way worse off than me but you
know what, I can't help it. At least I have my music and my
writing...that's all I have to say.

Oh purevoice, I'm 15, he's 16. Yeah, I know we're too young
to have to be this way but it's a hard thing to get out of.


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