Stands Alone*~

Obsurd & Undiscussed Relations 2
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2005-01-30 21:41:28 (UTC)

What's happened...

We used to be so good together, I mean, people would call
us the perfect couple...slowly that changed. I don't even
know if we're in love anymore...He probably never loved me
anyways. Like yesterday, yeah I was being a bitch, but he
was totally egging me on. And then we were nice to
eachother for about 3 hours total. When he brought me home,
I gave him a hug in the car and he was just basically
sitting can tell when someone's into a hug or
not, ya know?? Anyways, so I looked up at him and was
like "you're probably thinking about how much you want me
to get out of your car, huh??" he was like "yeah
basically". Just a little bit ago I asked him if he really
still loved me and he paused for a minute, and then
said "yeah". I don't know what to think. Maybe it's my
period and stuff that's messing me up, but we've never been
this bad before. I mean, it would totally suck without least at first, but after a while...I'm starting
to think it'd be best for both of us...I couldn't see him
with another girl though. I mean, yeah I'm selfish, but all
those dreams I've been having of where he cheats on me,
they hurts to think of him with another I'm not good enough for him...Jesus Christ,
what's happening to me?!?! I mean, I used to be the biggest
heart-breaker. I didn't care about feelings...I never
really let it get into it that deep where there were
feelings envolved. And then what I did to Chris...uhh that
poor guy...even though I'm notreally sure what he thought
or felt because all I knew was what I heard from everyone
else. (the psycho and the bitch at the time) Sorry Alysa, I
love you now but at that time we weren't exactly the best
of friends. And now Sam...he's like my life...or is he??
I'm starting to think that I'm becoming independent again.
I know he is...well I think he is at least...he just sits
there and either ditches me for other people or trys to
ditch me for other people. Yesterday, I went down in the
basement because I couldn't take it anymore...a good
boyfriend, or at least a boyfriend who cared a tiny bit,
would have came after me...he didn't come downstairs for
about a half hour, and when he did, it was to tell me that
we all were leaving. I went upstairs and put my shoes on
and everyone was still just sitting down and whatnot...I
mean, if he was going to do that he coulda at least wanted
to make up or be ready to go. 2 options. But instead, he
just went back and sat on the couch and ignored me. Then,
at the movies, I asked him nicely about 3 times to stop
tapping his feet. He told me I couldn't even hear him, if I
couldn't, then how the hell would I know that he was doing
it. He wouldn't stop so I moved about 3 or 4 seats away. He
did it louder, so I could hear him! I know he did too,
because I know him well enough to know he doesn't tap THAT
loud. But he was. Uhh, Jesus Christ! I don't know what to
do anymore! I wish there was an answer. I wish I could
either let go or things would get better. The other day we
both just broke down and after about 3 or 4 hours, we
decided we'd work on it...No work has been done. I try, I
know not hard enough, but I do try. He said he doesn't want
to try, he just wants everything to come easy. Well, duh!
Everyone wants everything to come easy...In reality, most
things don't. You have to contribute to a relationship to
have one. We've both stopped contributing. I wish I had
someone to talk to about this. I haven't written like this
in years...Since everything was horrible. I'm thinking I'll
give it a little while. A couple weeks or so...If it
doesn't get any better...I guess...It'll have to be
over...Or at least a break or something. I don't know what
to do. He thinks I should have all the answers. I feel bad
that I don't. I care for him, I just don't know if we're
good relationship material anymore. And if I say ANYTHING,
he'll take it the wrong way. If I apologize, he gets mad
again, telling me not to blame myself for everything. What
else do I have to do?!?! It's not like he'll take the blame
for any of it. I wrote him a sweet letter about a week
ago...I asked him to write me back because it means a lot
to me when he writes me stuff...Since he only has a few
times in our year and 4 month long (yesterday)
relationship. It's a simple enough task. All he really had
to say was "Michelle, I love you. You mean everything to
me." He didn't even have to say that much. I checked my e-
mail the next morning before school, all excited about what
I had waiting for me...Nothing. I confronted him about it,
he said he forgot. I said "well, will you send me something
tonight then??" He said sure. Another day goes by. Still
nothing. I confronted him again. He said "I'll send you
something eventually". It'll probably be like a break up
letter or something -- if he ever does send me something.