Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-01-29 19:51:27 (UTC)

Dagger Through My Heart

The enormity and stupidity and uselessness of what I have
done has started, as I knew it would, to sink around me
like a shroud of fog serving to mock my every move, every
thought, every feeling, every reaction.

I just got out of bed. It's 1429 and I've been sleeping
on and off all day but never getting out of bed save for
the WC. Granted, I was just plain exhausted, but I also
didn't want to get up and face the day, knowing as I did
that I have no recourse for the things that will annoy
me. My usual outlet gone, I just couldn't be fucked to
get up and try to go it alone. I didn't want to hear
about how my bf has no plans for the day but what do you
think and what do you want to do and why don't you decide;
I didn't want to hear he did have plans because it would
necessarily mean I would have to be involved somehow.
That should give you a clue right there as to my state of
mind regarding my relationship. I always thought one
should be happy to be involved in one's significant
other's plans. Me? I'd rather be left alone - and the
feeling is even worse now that I've cut the wrong person
out of my life.

He was supposed to go out on Thursday night to give me
some space to myself but it was bloody cold and so he said
he would go on Saturday. Last night he said, "The only
thing that would keep me from going out on Saturday to
give you some space is that I'd be sleeping all day [I =
my bf in this instance]." The alarm bells started going
off. I am too good and twisting things and holding him
responsible for everything, even things that I know he
could not possibly be responsible for, but the hair on the
back of my neck stood up and I started thinking that he'd
find an excuse. And I've probably provided him with a
perfect one. I have been asleep all day (though a few
hours ago when I got up and went to the WC and he brought
me a pizza pop in bed) he said he'd only just got up
fifteen minutes before. But, being asleep all day myself,
he has the perfect opportunity to say, "But if I went out
you wouldn't have known." He is also still fighting a
lingering cold or cough or something so I feel guilty
asking him to go but we had a deal. I'm doing my fucking
damnedest to live up to my end of the deal (be more
positive about our relationship) even though I think it is
fucking tearing me apart - to wit, I have cut out everyone
in my life that could possibly allow me to divert my
energy and emotions to the wrong person (i.e. not my
boyfriend) and have said for 30 days or so I am
concentrating solely on my relationship. That is me
expanding dramatically on what my end of the deal was
(just to be less doomsday about everything in daily life
for a couple of weeks until we go back to talk some more
to the guy trying to help us). His end of the deal was to
go out for an hour a week to give me some time in our
apartment alone. We've tried this before - we made this
same deal on his end months ago and it never happend and
I've been asking for many months before that and it hasn't
happened but our guy told me when I raised that issue that
I have to let go of the past (thank you I knew that)...so
I'm bitter b/c it plays into my bf's plans and hands
perfectly. I have to let go of the past so if this
doesn't work out I can't have accumulated anger.
Whatever. I am now just projecting. I should stop.

This was meant to be a short entry but anyone who knows me
knows it can never be short with me. Everything has to be
long, drawn-out and painful as hell. I hate that about
me. Tremendously. There are those that love it
tremendously. Then again, there are those that love me
tremendously and I don't have that same feeling for myself
so whatever. I guess that is my problem.

I am quite certain I'll be back in here to write more
later. I'm supposed to concentrate solely on my bf right
now and I have taken what some would call extreme measures
to do so but having done that is making it even harder for
me b/c I'm concentrating on how much the other sucks. I
was worried this would happen. I was worried I wouldn't
have the mental discipline and toughness to mourn one
important part of my life - no matter how brief the
separation in the grand scheme of things - while trying to
right another part of my life (one that is still up in the
air as to whether it should even be attempted, which makes
it even harder). And here it is. I'm miserable because
there's a dagger through my heart by my own hand.

What a stupid fucking bitch. What could I have been
thinking? I should have known I didn't have the
capacity. My relationship is living proof of my
willingness to hold onto things until well past the expiry
date (though it is also testament to his willingness to do
the same b/c we should have split years ago). And now
we're stuck. I'm not meant to even let certain things
cross my mind during this month but it's desperately
difficult. I am going to give myself until the end of the
weekend to remind myself that I need to really concentrate
on what I set out to concentrate on otherwise this whole
exercise will have been a whole lot of pain for a not very
good trade off and - AND - it won't have given me what I
needed to see/do/experience if I can't stop thinking about
the "wrong" things...I'm not even sure that I'm writing
this for my benefit or for the benefits of those involved
who might read it. I said I didn't want it to be a
circumvention of our self-imposed rules - b/c if it was a
covert way of communicating the whole point would be
nought... I don't think it is a way of communicating,
though, b/c I can't be sure anyone will read it (in fact,
I am fairly certain no one will read it, at least until a
real desperation point is reached). Both scenarios make
me sad. But I'm always sad so there's nothing new there.

I am really trying to do this to piece my head together.
I usually write by hand but the problem is I type so much
faster than I write that it is so much easier in here to
just let it all pour out...one of the reasons my entries
tend to be so long...

I am going for now. I am sure I'll be back later. Today
looks like it's going to be more of the same in the life
of me.

The worst thing about a dagger through the heart is this.
It has to stay there - will not removal cause more
bleeding and pain? So I've been told, anyway.

A plutard, homard,

K2




Ad: