cogito ergo sum

cogito ergo sum
2005-01-29 19:46:21 (UTC)

29th jan 05... enthralling day..

how should i go abt writing this..

[when all the tears have gone]
How many hearts do i have to break?
before one is successfully made?
The future already seems bleak
each passing day, each passing shade

How many mistakes have brought you pain?
before the vivid moments of joy?
am i naught but your living bane?
should i be banished or destroyed?

Through all this, guilt has crept
a silent killer, secretly kept
the pain you feel, it tortues me
it's worse than the sting of a thousand bees

Your anger, your anguish,
leads my inexorable languish
Your rage, your tears
makes me wound up in resigned fear

So where would you go when all the tears have gone?
To a land full of peaceful swans?
Would i be cleanly forgotten? Perhaps
Life would go on without relapse

think i'm gd enuff to write such stuffs? nah..not me.. its
written by a really amazing guy...

well... i am really feeling so disconsolated.. what an
irony this is..well..i shall narrative all stuffs as the
way it happened.. all truth and only the truth...

It began like this....

2pm... i arrived at the esplanade library, wanting to do
some work on the pieces i'm preparing for exams.. then..he
appeared right before my eyes.. i was
amazing this is... i cant believe he'll actuall turn up..
well..i was pretty disturbed by the previous night's
conversation abt the ignoring thing.. but
childish i was! nevermind abt it.. i was actually pretty
shy at first.. thoughts like "am i looking too
atrocious?" "why are we so quiet?" "what am i suppose to
do!" were racing across my mind. i wanted so much so much
to talk SOMETHING but i didn't dare.. well..things went on
and we left, going to suntec for lunch..wad wad wad...
constance goh! (my girlfriend) called me
and """threatened""" (haha) to ask him if he likes me.. (u
noe, cons n i are very impatient ppl.. we like direct
stuffs and not being shy abt ur feelings.. thats why we're
single!! haha..) of course, i didn't want to jump to
conclusions so i told her no way man! how ridiculous this
is... but still...i thout it was quite sweet to fantasize
someone liking me.. (making myself sound as if i'm despo?
or psycho? or lunatic?)

lunch went amazingly fine... (though food was alittle
horrible) gotta stuffs to talk like family, SS0! (not
singapore symphonic orchestra but Special SomeOne) haha..
i thought it was a good warm up for a long day ahead... i
donno issit tat i think too much.. but i thought i was
like "forcing" him to keep me company the "whole" day...
he seemed pretty...reluctant... :( well... i do not noe
why, my heart was beating so irregularly when i walked
with him, so so so irregularly that i can black out
immediately..(fortunately, i didn't!)

Travelled to PS was cool... well...met another person who
WALKS DAMN FAST! i tried to catch up(thank god, i could)
seems like my speed he cant adapt..haha.. hmmm..wad was
really funny was the walk to band world.. see, i insisted
walking thru the istana park.. i thought it was a good and
serene area... but actually..i felt VERY extremely "shy"
(cant find a better word) when we walked past couples
hugging, smooching, behaving intimately.. oh my god.. (i
didn't dare to ask if he felt the same way i did..) i
tried my very best to keep our coversation alive...( i
hope he did)

anyway... it was real cool.. i have to admit i didnt want
to meet mama for shopping.. (not tat i'm "evil") but i
really enjoy the walk with him.. its like.. we just walk
and walk and walk non stop, talk and talk non stop.. ( i
noe i noe.. sounds like one of my gf telling me abt her
date with the guy she "like" and whom loved her) anyway...
from douby ghaut (cant spell tat place!! weird name!), we
walked to somerset then orchard... (wad i was really
thinking was why he didnt offered to help me take my
irritating file! haha.. shy?) well... on our way, i was so
afraid tat mama might suddenly pop out of nowhere and
catch me.. (i told a lie?? evil me..) But what can i do? i
didn't want him to ignore me (in future), didn't want this
cool cool journey to end... how sad..

well...wad should i say... apart from tat mismatched
slippers, everything sits perfectly.. actually..i was
actually shy? haha.. (i noe i noe.. u cant believe tat i
will be shy too.. fine...) hmmm.. when he left, i msged
him, "jokingly", asking if this was considered a date..
wad.. his reply was like no or dont think so..(cant
remember) aww.. u will never noe how awful i felt at tat
time.. it was like something heavy just trampered over
me.. but ya.. his honeyed tongue won over me again.. with mama wasn't tat as interesting as
walking aimlessly with him? (don say i'm bad..stating
facts..i'm 17years old ok!!! )

anyway, the most enthralling thing was the
erm.. "confession"? i was actually "jealoused" (i donno if
this word is right..mayb not...) thought tat he had many
girlfriends..hahaha.. (call me lame now..) anyway... the
conversation was very very very choleric, topsy-turvy,
contumacious, boisterous, complicating et cetra... when he
told me tat i do not noe her, i cant believe heart
actually sank? pretty weird.. but when he told me its me,
i couldnt' believe it at way! i refuse to believe
its me.. even till now..i don't dare to believe...when he
asked me if liked someone, i wrote him this:

"before i came yjc, i was madly in love with a guy in hwa
chong, who is 2 years older... i was totally in love with
him even though he has a gf... it lasted for over a year
plus.. the day before i set my foot in yj, i told myself
tat i have a curse tat is not to have actual relationship
or my o lvl results will be horrible.. until someone came
along.. someone was really sweet, and i really enjoy being
with someone... everyone said tat someone likes me..but i
prefer to think tat we're frens...until one day... i had a
sudden thought and when i consulted my gf abt this
thought, i have realised i've actually fell for him
alittle..i tried to pull back my feelings for i didn wan
anything to change...but i really really enjoy being with
tat someone, for i noe there is someone out there, who
cares abt me, and at the same time, enjoy being with me...
as time goes by, liking tat someone hasn been a prob,
because i told myself tat i shouldn fall for someone whom
i don even noe if someone likes me, or, is he just being
sweeet as a fren, and not dan lian anyone anymore.. "

call me a b--------(cant find a better word) if u want but
i wrote wad i felt at that time! i was really
confused.. "is he pulling my leg?" was wat i thought...
for he once said he liked no one... i felt really really
really sweet and fabulous when he said he liked me..i
donno..maybe because after the rejection of kiat, my love
life seemed so bleak.. but, i didnt dare to tell him if i
liked him when he asked me... for i don even noe it
myself... (i noe! i'm bad! but wad! feelings are like
tat!) tell u why.. 1) the curse.. the curse that i casted
on myself tat if i ever get into a serious relationship,
my o lvl results will be horrible... i fear! i rather be
selfish abt my results n hurt him then make my family, my
life, everything so miserable... 2) i'm not ready!! yes, i
think kiat isnt completely out of me... for i gave alot to
pursue him... i threw my pride into the bins just to tell
kiat i was madly in love with him for over a year and
more, hang on to the belief that kiat might one day like
me... but maybe, constance was right... my love for kiat
has faded ever since i he rejected me and not see him
anymore..i didnt wan to make him look like my substitute
for kiat (this is so mean.. a thing i will never NEVER
NEVER do).. plus dada disapproves relationships..i'm dying
to have one seriously.. like wad jas said.. jc a new life,
a new chapter..have something more exciting and not
dull... Yes, my life cannot just evolve ard music,
studies, responsibilities.. i must engage myself in social
activities! true! very true! and i noe! but i'm
scared..i'm scared it'll turn out bad.. i'm scared tat
what if he is just crushing? what if i didn't like him?
what if i threw in all my feelings and ended up hurt? what
if it don work out, we both feel embarrassed and even
frens is a nono? tears are in my eyes the very moment i'm
typing this.. i'm in a dilemma.. worst situation then
him... i love his humour, his sweetness, his intelligence,
his gift for writing, his ability to produce the best
saxophone tone i've ever heard... but there are factors
holding me back.. and i guesss, if i never overcome these
hurdles, i'll never be with him or something? but yes, i
noe for a 100% sure factor, he, will make a perfect
boyfriend.. me crazy (ppl also never ask me to
be! bu yao lian!!! xiu xiu xiu!!!!!!!!)..

i'll let nature takes its course.. ppl who noes me inside
out noes tat i need to be humoured, kept romantic,
constantly loved,a daredevil person, yet at the same time
understand my situations and inabilities and be
initiative... well... i noe tat i'm letting a real amazing
guy down by not being abt to say tat i like him or wad...
i have to find myself.. wad am i suppose to do??? TSSO?
PSSO? or even SSO? ( HEY..the SSOs meant Sarcastic Some
One k!! don let ur imagination run wild!!if u wan, can
la.. haha)well, still...i'll wait for him to make the next
move, then i'll decide..

God, wad a day... but yeah..its going into my anniversary
book.. shall remember this day forever... :)

end of story for today... cool aint it? don be jealous of
me.. hehe..

[cArPe DIeM]
[cOgitO eRgO sUm]

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