Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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Ezoic
2005-01-29 04:17:53 (UTC)

Could it be? Another bad day?

Yeah well. Hi. It's been a while. I'm back, hoping not
for too long tonight because my contacts are driving me
nuts and I'm just in shit headspace right now...

Fridays should always be good days. But, well, this one
wasn't. Horrible night last night, horrible horrible
horrible, but yet wonderful in so many respects. I don't
know how to explain and really I don't want to (don't be
offended, it's just nothing that would interest many
people other than, well, me) but it was gut-wrenching and
emotional and beautiful and devastating all at once and it
left me just wiped. Barely slept last night at all. Fell
asleep to a sick bf who was snoring (and okay I snore
sometimes too but I don't bother me!) and that stopped me
from getting to sleep. Then when finally fell asleep,
woke up to bf hacking up his lungs a couple of hours later
and one hour before the alarm was supposed to go off. He
sometimes has really bad back pain that makes him throw up
and it sounded like more of the same, though today he told
me he didn't throw up once. I have to say - if you are
coughing so much and so badly that your girlfriend of six
and a half years thinks you are throwing up, THAT'S REALLY
FUCKING BAD, MATE, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GO TO THE DOCTOR.
But we won't go down that path, not right now. Grr.

Wasn't that late to work today - that was about the only
good thing. Was exhausted but having a passable day at
work - it's boring but always busy so I don't usually have
time to sit there being depressed over the state of my
existence and my inability to seem to motivate change -
except for those times (many of them) that I went to e-
mail my partner in crime (henceforth to be know as my PIC)
and realised I couldn't. It's a long and involved story
and has to do with last night and let me tell you, IT
SUCKED. I mean, it really truly fucking SUCKED.

The only good part of the day was that one of the five
people I work for is a seriously good looking guy and
funny too and we got to talking for a while and I finally
just went in his office and said, Alright, if you are
going to talk to me, let me freaking sit in your chair b/c
I'm exhausted, so I sat across from his desk and made
pretend like we were talking about work (the powers that
be don't like it that the underlings talk to the bosses on
a personal level, go fucking figure, wankers, especially
the one I call Wheezie, more on that rodent later). We
actually talking about such in-depth and serious subjects
as sleep deprivation, the iron bars of the system, the
odds that he'd put his desk directly under the sprinkler
system (which led to a long-winded theory on the
mathematical equation leading to all life being run
predictably and by the higher ups...that was partly my
theory...yeah yeah yeah I know...his part was the
predictable part...) and all this other nonsense. So fine.

Then Wheezie, the fucking rat, chewed my ass like a rat
does and it was about all I could do to not have at her.
The fucking bitch. It's a stupid long story but I took
some invoices over to accounting b/c that is part of my
job and I didn't read the note on one of the fax cover
pages that indicated a problem with the invoices (and even
if I had, I STILL would have taken them to accounting and
not her b/c if you show her things like that she starts
yelling in her big thick accent, "Oh Jesus God, what the
hell am I supposed to do with all of this now?" and really
it's not worth the hassle or the decibel level...or the
shit I get in after...). I've been there maybe a month
and a half so I'm still fairly new and still learning and
they said, invoices go directly to accounting, even if the
supervisor's name is on it. So I separate the invoices
and give the rest to her. Stupid me, should have taken
the sheet with the note about the invoices and burned it.
GROWL. So that was a couple of days ago. Today she comes
to my desk and starts asking if I'd taken the invoices and
had I read the note. No, I hadn't, and then the phone
rings. She hates it when I answer the phone when she is
standing there - but I do my job. She doesn't (do mine OR
hers!). So she starts bitching at the secretary beside me
about how Jesus God she just talked to this agent and the
agent had a problem with the invoices and she went through
all this trouble (the agent) to write up a nice note about
the problema and to ask for some leniency in cost
submitting just this once and then I go and take them to
accounting, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? And she is going on and
on and I felt my temper rising and rising. She's a right
rude bitch, this one, honest to fuck, and I was so
distracted I looked like a fool on the phone and finally
said, Listen, I can't figure out what you are saying b/c I
can't hear you, let me transfer you.

So I turn back and said something to Wheezie, I can't
remember what, but I didn't think it sounded too rude,
maybe a bit frustrated or irritated but not too rude. She
says, "Now why are you talking to me like that? What are
you getting on me about for?"

I said, "You sound mad and I'm just saying I'm sorry I
took them over, but if you're mad you should tell me not
her."

Her answer, "[insert my name here] I'm not mad, don't you
be talking to me about me being mad or I'll get mad and
you don't want that."

I just looked at her. Excuse me? Is that a threat? That
sounds like a threat. And let me tell you something,
bitch, you don't want me getting mad either. Just b/c I
take your shit and act all quiet and docile doesn't mean I
don't hate you and your fucking job and your disgusting
eating habits and your fucking voice and your stupid mind
and by the way you SUCK, and by the way, I AM NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE A SECRETARY, JACKASS, and all of this shit... I
thought to myself, STAY CALM. So I said, as I'm thinking
all of this, "You just sound mad."

She says, "I haven't even talked to you about it, I come
out to see out and haven't said a word and then you are on
the phone..." (Uhm, no, you were already telling me and
the phone rang and you charged across to bitch to the
other b/c you think she likes you but she just thinks
you're stupid and she provokes you on purpose...)

She says to the other secretary (who knows her a lot
better, having been there a year and then some), "Do I
sound mad to you?"

She helpfully answers "No", but then later said she's
sorry she said that b/c she knows I don't know Wheezie
very well (though she did sound madder than usual today to
me). Maybe it is b/c I'm sick of her and her bullshit and
how everyone jumps around to placate and appease her and
it turns my stomach and when she talks about her bullshit
(today it was the Mandarin and how it always makes her
sick b/c she can't eat just one thing, at which point I
wanted to say YOU ARE A COW STOP EATING, but she went on
about it for a fucking quarter hour - NO ONE CARES,
DUMBASS, AND WE ARE MAKING FUN OF YOU...), I don't know,
she sounded mad.

So I said back, "Okay, you aren't mad. I could get the
invoice. It's just over in accounting."

It becomes a big deal again. I add, "It's not like I sent
it to Halifax, it's two feet down the hall, let me get it
if it's a problem."

She snorts and laughs and said, "Jesus God next you'll be
offering to pay it out of your pocket."

I almost flew at her. It might sound minor but I have a
problem with authority and a chip on my shoulder already
and an anger and depression issue and you know what?
She's a stupid cow and I will not talk to her again. She
didn't talk to me the rest of the afternoon and pointedly
asked the other to do things for her and not me. Fine by
me. You'll be sorry. All of her work has now slid to the
bottom of the pile. She tried to send her own fax.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. She sent 8 blank pages. Oh god that
felt good. I had offered before the rucus to send a fax
for her as she was standing there looking stupid and I
shit you not, she stamped her feet like a child and
said, "What, do I look crippled to you? Jesus God..."
Well...given that you make me do everything else for you
and you can't even read to find your agents' names on the
letters I hand you to read, uhm...I had best not answer
that question...so yeah...the eight blank pages felt
really good when I saw the "confirmation" come through.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA. You might
think I am one, but I hate ignorant people. shrugs
Think what you want about me. I am definitely right about
her.

The problem is I stormed away after she had left and took
my lunch an hour and a half earlier (at 1315, I normally
go at 1430 or so), ran into the bathroom, and cut.
Nothing big, scratches, but there they are on my wrist
again. Fuck. Seven of them, all in a nice neat little
row, and a couple on my leg where I started but then moved
to my wrist. And then I started sobbing but had to be
noiseless b/c the bathroom was busy. So it was a shit
afternoon, really. I put my head down after lunch (which
was spent writing a bit and cutting) and barely talked to
anyone. I don't give a shit what the fucking bitch thinks
of me but she's so loud she'll get me fired if I'm not
fucking careful... Today a girl in accounting got fired
(or yesterday but we found out today) b/c another of my
supervisors complained about her and this same supervisor
is about to fire an agent we think...she said, "she's not
going to be on the panel any more but she doesn't know
it"...and here I was thinking this was a fairly nice place
to work, save for the upper upper hierarchy which is the
same bullshit and spies as everywhere...and
now...suddenly...the rats and snakes come out? These were
the first negative things I've heard or seen about this
second supervisor but the other secretary did not leave me
with a good impression about her...she worked for this
supervisor for a month or so (things have been changing
for a year or so, constant change) and when I said I
couldn't read her very well, she said, "Neither can I..."
then added, "No, actually, I can read her fine..." the
implication being she is not a nice person...esp. since
she said, "She's been nice to you since you got here but
she hated the one before you..." sighs Fucking office
politics. Everyone says I should watch Office Space.
What do you think?

Thank you for letting me type up a storm. It's helping me
keep my mind off things. Certain things I am not allowed
to think about - sadly during the day I found myself
smiling a few times or whathaveyou, and the only times in
the day where I was really truly happy I had to push the
thoughts away and tell them to get lost...I don't know how
I'm going to get through this. Today wasn't as
devastating as I thought it would be on that score - until
I realise that tomorrow is more of the same and then the
next day and then the next day. It's like I keep
thinking, oh well, tomorrow...except tomorrow isn't coming
for at least another thirty days...and that just throws me
so badly I don't know how to handle it...fuck fuck FUCK
this sucks...but I'm not allowed to think about it.
bites her lip and concentrates on other things

Went for dinner at Bombay Bhel tonight. Had Paneer
Makhni, my favourite there and it was so fucking good. I
think Indian food is the most sensual cuisine there is and
let me tell you, they cook it SO fantastically there, and
it really wouldn't have taken much to get my engine going
when we got home, but alas alack...he's sick and I didn't
share these thoughts with him, just raved about how good
the food was, as usual.

feels her stomach quease

He's in the bedroom coughing up a lung and making me feel
sick. I sound like a bitch, I know, but there's one thing
doing it when you are sick and another doing it all the
time though he thinks it's more pronounced now that he's
sick, really it's just more often. He coughs like a
fucking geezer all the time when he's healthy, too. It's
fucking disgusting. I'm sorry, but it is, because I don't
understand why he can't just cough normally. It worries
me - it really sounds horrible and like something is
really wrong with him. I might sound like a superficial
bitch but I do worry b/c I don't think it is normal...and
yes, hearing it every day doesn't do much for my stomach,
especially when that's generally the first thing I wake up
to. I lie in bed as he's getting ready for work and here
him start to cough. Normal morning coughs but after a few
I am more awake and my head involuntarily says, "wait for
it", and I do, and then he does the huge my lungs are a
montrous furball cough routine, my stomach queases and I
get frustrated and unhappy. Does it make me horrible?
Does it? I wish I knew. I am not uncaring, I swear it,
but I also hate waking up this way...and he flatly refuses
to see a doctor for anything so what are you going to do?
Fuck.

It's eleven eleven. Make a wish. wishes clearly and
then takes her hands off her eyes Done. Tell me when
yours comes true and I'll tell you when mine does... I've
decided that wishes can be for anything, regardless of
current circumstances/events...so that's a good thing.

No gym tonight. Indian food and then Bailey's cheesecake
from Just Desserts for dessert. Ah well, what are you
going to do? I swam 100 laps yesterday. I'm not too
pissed about today. Not happy but not pissed. Tomorrow
I'll go in the morning. I'm still pleasantly tired from
last night's effort!!!

Aight. I'm tired. I'm out of here. Will try to write
more tomorrow.

Today was Day 1 of really trying with my boyfriend. I
don't know if it's working or not. I am trying to just
not analyse everything but it's hard. I do know that we
had very little physical contact and during dinner, which
he thought was fun, I was sad because I left my hand out
on the middle of the table several times for several
minutes he didn't move his hands even the inch to touch
me. I'm sick of living with a roommate. I want a
boyfriend. I want a lover. I want someone who still
finds my exciting. I want I want I want but I do give a
whole hell of a lot too. I just want some passion in
return. Is that really too much to ask? REALLY? I love
him dearly but I don't think we are cut out for each other
any more. I don't know. We'll see. Along with the other
upheavalous changes I made the last coulple of days (well,
the last night, but okay), I'm going to attempt to force
myself to spend the next little bit of time on the dark
side of the moon really trying and not analysing
everything and not trying to nail him to the wall on
everything little thing. I get to observe and record or
I'd not remember, but I'm not going to keep a running
tally, so to speak. I am going to trust in letting things
work out themselves. I think [hack hack hack from the
bedroom, fuck I wish he'd go to the doctor, he can't be
comfortable, either...] that's the way to go at this
moment in time...

God I'm tired. More tomorrow, I hope. Looking into
getting my contacts and shit fixed up if I find the
motivation...[hack hack]

A plus tard, homard,

K2


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