alone and adored
2005-01-28 02:45:46 (UTC)

The Not-So Amazing Race aka Fit Test

So I had another fitness test on wednesday night. I tried
to get out of it because I had 2 exams today (just like me
to make excuses) and I did alright holding a split for
500m then we had a 500m sprint like all out dash at the end
and low and fucking behold my time was 1:53 the SAME as my
previous dash in NOVEMBER... and what does that tell me...
either I'm still a quitter or I actually got nothing out of
strength training what so ever. likely a bit of both. I
could absoloutly not hold it together for 500m. thats not
even 2 minutes and I felt myself slipping into mental and
physical shutdown. what the hell is wrong with me... so 24
hours later I'm still pissed at everything that moves and I
hate myself a little more. Games isn't supposed to be this
brutal. It just goes to show that I cant hack it end of
story. I'm weak and I lack the necessary motivation and
concentration to pull this off. I'm being realist but
people mistake that for being hard on myself. Am I too far
into this to quit? I dont mind going to the gym and I love
seeing all my friends and it's 3 more months untill we're
back on the water but I HATE erging X number of times a
week in the fucking morning and I'm sick of practically
falling asleep in class and I'm sick of this psycological
war with myself and I'm sick of being disappointed and I'm
sick of being a disappointment. I wanted to be competitive
but this is tearing me apart inside sometimes. I dont need
rowing on top of school and you-know-who to stress me out-
having said that, once again goes to show that I am
mentally unstable when it comes to this I simply cannot
hack this like the other girls. I would give my left nut
to know what goes on inside their heads when they pull off
a 2k with a split of 1:57... what the fuck is this?... i
cant hold that for 200m.

(1) winter train at the gym and optional erging times to
improve stamina/strength/cardio
(2) make Canada Games like Ive been telling all my friends
is no sweat. I want to go because I'd have trained for it.

(1) erg test 6k/2k or even a meere 500m. It's an absolout
confidence crusher and instant depressent and source of
(2) erg in the morning 3-4 days a week. Along with barely
make 3 practices and the fact that I havn't erged in 2
weeks, I'm sick of napping in the afternoon and messing up
my sleeping schedual because I am just too fucking tired
when I get home.
(3) embarass myself further by not making Canada Games. I'm
sure upon hearing the news I will explode into a sobbing
mass of teenage angst and misery and crumple to the floor
with dispare. actually.
(4) want to cry over this at least once a week anymore. I'm
sick of this taking over so much of my thoughts and those
thoughts aren't good memories they're thoughts about how
the fuck I'm gonna pull off this erg test coming up on

fuck this is what I hate... talking about this.