2005-01-27 13:25:25 (UTC)

Don't Care

I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. I
can't sleep, eat, be happy about anything. I'm so mad at
everything right now. Yesterday I asked him if he decides
that things can't work out between us, if we will stay
together for the kids. Of course he says I don't know. He
also says that he don't think it's a good idea to try and
be a couple right now. He says we both need some space from
each other. He still wants to live in the same household,
but he can't tell me how long we would live together. It
could be a month,a year, or forever. I guess it depends on
what happens with counseling. He says we still can talk to
each other, but try and give him time to think. I don't
know if I can do this or that it is the right thing to do.
How can I live with someone I love very much and not be
with him. Acting like we're roommates. God I hope he see
the light very soon. I just can't take it. I weighed myself
this morning and found out that I've lost 5 pounds. That
can't be good for the baby. I can force myself to eat but
all I do is get sick. My nerves won't settle down. I want
to call him right now and beat it in his head that he loves
me and that he doesn't want to leave me. All that will do
is push him away even more. He has been calling me at work
to see how I'm doing. Of course I am hateful, and I know
all that does is make things worse but I can't help myself.
I just don't understand what could be so wrong. He tells me
I do everything a wife should do. Nothing is wrong with me.
It's his head that's messed up. I hate his mom for doing
this to him. All the things she did wrong by him and she
thinks nothing is wrong. She won't admit that she ever did
anything wrong. Last night I went through my box of things
that my husband had given me. I found a card and on the
front of it it says to my soulmate. Inside he wrote that he
didn't just promise to be with me, that he promised to be
with me forever, and that he loves me now and always. Was
that a huge lie or is it true? Was he just saying what he
thought was right to say or was he being sincere? Ohh... I
just can't do this. He needs time, that's all he keeps
saying is time. How much time should I give him? How much
time can I give him. Let's say 4 months from now he decides
that he does love me and he wants things to go back to
normal. Will I be able to do that? What if I can't love him
anymore because he hurt me so bad? Will things ever be the
same, will I ever be the same? I don't know, I just hope he
figures things out soon. He also told me yesterday that
there is a woman where he works at that went through the
exact same thing. She said that I'll realize that I am not
happy and will want to find someone who will make me happy.
Is this why he's doing this? Is he testing me? He says I
can't see it now because I'm hurt, but eventually I will.
Why can't he accept that I love him and only him. I don't
want anyone else. I've had so many chances to cheat on him.
Hell, I had one guy offer to take me away from here, he had
alot to offer and I passed it up because I love him. Why
can't he see that we can make it. He says he loves me, so
then love me damnit! Don't torture me. Please Lord, let
this end soon. Please let him have a decision, and please
let it be the right one. We have to stay together. I need
him, dear Lord and I love him very much. Please make this

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