Let's see how long this lasts
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2005-01-27 01:51:47 (UTC)


Okay so right now I don't have ANY jeans clean and nothing
fits cause I've gained so much weight and its making me
miserable. I'm going to change that of course. All of
this is to say that right now I am running around
Louisville's campus in a hippie skirt and flip flops. How
stupid is that?!? Pretty stupid in my opinion. Especially
since I should be taking extra care to stay healthy. Why
do I do stupid things? I don't know. I have a feeling I'm
going to keep doing stupid things for awhile now. I just
hope I don't screw up my life substansially in the
process. Things are still trying to beat me down, but I
will NOT be conquered. God won't give me more than I can
handle and I will prevail over all this stuff that's flying
at me. I have faith in that. Gosh I look terrible right
now. I think my self confidence is low cause of the way I
look right now. That angers me. It makes me feel shallow.
I am not shallow. I'm just not living up to my own
expectations, and by golly I will. I just have to get
things back on track. I'm glad you're feeling better in
ALL of the ways that you are. ( You're looking at me
think.) I will do my absolute best not to be jealous of
Brittany. I will let you know that it scares me and that
I'm unsure of myself right now. I know you say you like
me, but I'm still scared. I can't help but be. It's a
natural instinct to be warry in my situation. I trust you
with everything. I do what I do with the knowledge that
you cannot date me or do not want to date me. I accept
that. I do hope and think that you value me though. I
have to know what goes on. You're free. You've always
been free to flirt. I was only possessive before I had
you. I hope you know that. but now I'm vunerable. very
vunerable. if you want to pursue brittany do so, but tell
me you're going to so I won't interfere. I don't want to
be embarrassed. The moment you don't desire me I need to
know so I can kindly bow out if that time comes. I
promise, if you ask I will do so as gracefully as I
possibly can. I only want you to be happy. As for
everything else in life, despite my earlier description of
confidence. I'm getting tired. Nevertheless, I mustn't
show any defeat. The world doesn't like a girl who feels
sorry for herself or gets crabby. With God's help, I'll be
good. On all accounts.

Final thought: Day is ending birds are winding back to the
shelter of each little nest they love. Nightshade's
falling love birds calling What makes the world go round,
nothing but love. When the wipporwills call and the
evening is nigh, I hurry to my Blue Heaven. A turn to the
right the little white lights will lead you to my Blue
Heaven. You'll see a smiling face a fire place a cozy
room, a little nest nestled where the roses bloom. Just
daddy and me and the puppy makes three. We're all happy in
my Blue Heaven.