Beadgirl

I am out of ideas
2005-01-26 20:36:33 (UTC)

January... Slow month... Yeah, right.

January is supposed to be a slow month, right? Right. In
between doing inventory and taxes, trying to figure out
how much I owe and to whom, trying to find a part-time job
so that I don't end up bankrupt at 30 and losing
everything, and on top of that, just feeling like I've got
no self esteem.

Trying to figure out why I always seem to fuck everything
up. Really. I have no problem at all in visualizing
myself fucking things up and having P and D ask me to
leave the partnership, but I have a really hard time
trying to visualize myself succeeding at this business.
Why is that? At night, I lay there in bed, trying to fall
asleep, and trying to figure out what success would look
like to me. All I can think of right now is that people
come to take my classes and I travel and teach. I can see
myself getting contracts in the mail, but I'm not sure how
that translates to financial success. I can see myself
writing checks for entry fees for shows, but I can't see
myself receiving checks. I just don't know. Why do I
have such a hard time visualizing myself succeeding?

I've been spending my days off searching for a part time
job and searching for my artistic voice. I said to Tom
last night as we were going to sleep, the more I create
and bead, the closer I feel to finding my own original
artistic voice.

But I worry. I worry that Tom's parents are going to
think I'm a nut job or lazy or stupid. Everything I make,
the only thing everyone is interested in is how much I can
sell it for. No one seems to appreciate the artistic
journey. I know, making money is important, but if Tom's
father says to me, "Good Jewish concern" about the
business one more time, I'm going to scream. Fine arts
and crafts is NOT hardware, even if it is retail. My time
as an artist should be worth something, shouldn't it? And
then, God help me if I bring up the idea that I learn
ANOTHER skill like silversmithing, because, as Tom's
father says, "Ya gotta creep before you can crawl."
(Whatever the hell that means in this context.) The more
I know, the more versatile I'll be, I figure, but
apparently, not according to Tom, or his parents.
Christ. Maybe it shouldn't be such a surprise that I
can't visualize myself succeeding in this business because
I feel like no one around me wants me to succeed!

Anyway...

I've got a million other fucking things to do right now,
so I'd best be off and running, and then maybe write more
tomorrow...





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