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2005-01-26 01:04:47 (UTC)

clearing my head...

I have so many things going through my head right now and
it's so hard to get it all out to actual people so I'm
reverting to my good old diary on this one. So hang in
there, this is going to be a long one.

See, my problem is that people these days don't have the
capability or the will to listen to others. When they have
problems, they feel free to tell me all about them and I
try to help out the best I can. I was told once that you
should be the kind of friend you want people to be for you
and I've discovered it's all a bunch of bull. People don't
seem to have the time to listen anymore so I just bottle
it all up and deal with it when really I just want to get
it out. I mean once I started to tell one of my friends
and they said they would just leave me alone so I could
figure things out. Now tell me that helps... anyone? I'm
so sick of being there for people who can't be there for
me. It's almost like a waste I guess you could say.
There's still a part of me though that wants to continue
to be a friend so I go along. Maybe other people's issues
are more serious than ming... I don't know. I feel selfish
for wanting people to care about me but I want it so bad.

It's not like I haven't tried to let people know any of
this. It's just that when I do, I can't find the words to
let it out so it causes more confusion than it should. I'm
just alone in this world it seems. No one understands me
and that's frustrating. I don't want to be whiny or
anything but seriously after this long of holding it in,
that's all that comes out.

It's all sooooooooo messed up. In fact, I'm not sure if
I'm even making sense right now. Man, I'm just all blah.
You know you've hit rock bottom, when the things you used
to care about mean nothing at all.

If anyone happens to come across this and has some helpful
words, they would be greatly appreciated.