sarbare

illuminations
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PropellerAds
2005-01-25 22:15:57 (UTC)

a convo with tahjia and thoughts about it

HotPebble: whats up
SarahRedPrincess: not much
HotPebble: cool cool
HotPebble: whats up with the boys ?!?
SarahRedPrincess: i went to brians last night
SarahRedPrincess: it was actually a good thing though
HotPebble: alrighty
SarahRedPrincess: we talked a lot and it was good to talk
face to face
HotPebble: yea i bet it was well thats good u guys talked
SarahRedPrincess: he was telling me, how what i thought
were mind games were tests to see if i he could trust me,
and he said he knew he shouldnt have to but he’s been
through a lot of crap so he keeps a guard up
HotPebble: oh ok yea
SarahRedPrincess: idk just everything he said made sense
and he seem sincere
SarahRedPrincess: and he was saying how he would never
ever think in a million years he would take back someone
who cheated on him, let alone more than once
HotPebble: yea i wouldnt either
SarahRedPrincess: but he said with me it was diff. and he
actually cared
SarahRedPrincess: i had told him how i cheated on him
HotPebble: oh with that guy
SarahRedPrincess: i cheated a few times
HotPebble: oh
SarahRedPrincess: new years i kissed a guy
SarahRedPrincess: in the beginning of out relationship i
went on a date with this other guy i was kinda seeing
SarahRedPrincess: which i told him about right in the
beginning
HotPebble: damn sarah ur a pimp
SarahRedPrincess: and with nick
SarahRedPrincess: last week
HotPebble: holy shit
HotPebble: lol
SarahRedPrincess: lol and then lewis the other day
HotPebble: lol
HotPebble: damn
SarahRedPrincess: but the thing is i didnt have sex with
any of them
HotPebble: thats funny thoo
HotPebble: ok good
HotPebble: do u really think u wnat a relationship tho ?
SarahRedPrincess: well see there are reasons i cheated
SarahRedPrincess: with the first guy, i wasnt sure how
much i was into brian yet, so i went on a date wit another
guy to see what feelings i had for who
HotPebble: yea
SarahRedPrincess: i was up front wit brian about that from
the start
HotPebble: yea
SarahRedPrincess: then on new years brian told me he was
driving with his dad to Kentucky, and i either figured he
was playing a game(or as he calls it a test) or he was
cheating on me. so i was pissed
SarahRedPrincess: im a spiteful person
HotPebble: yea me 2
SarahRedPrincess: i dont like feeling like im having one
pulled over on me
HotPebble: yea kno what u mean
SarahRedPrincess: ive had that shit done to me too many
times in the past
HotPebble: yea
SarahRedPrincess: then last week with nick was after he
had said all that crap about not being there for me if i
was preg
SarahRedPrincess: that pissed me off and i said well if i
am might as well find someone who will
SarahRedPrincess: and i was pissed
HotPebble: haha yea
SarahRedPrincess: then with lewis, it was b/c i really
thought brian and i were over. we just had a big argument
and i was thinking he is done
HotPebble: yea
SarahRedPrincess: i told you how i talked to brian and all
SarahRedPrincess: i told him about all the times
HotPebble: yea
SarahRedPrincess: and he admitted to cheating twice, bc he
thought i was
SarahRedPrincess: hes a vindictive person as well
HotPebble: yea man u have so much goin on now
SarahRedPrincess: yeah
SarahRedPrincess: but we talked and we both kinda agreed
that if we tried to make it work and got passed this all
we would be so much stronger of a couple than most
SarahRedPrincess: bc you learn a lot about someone after
going through all that
HotPebble: yea true
SarahRedPrincess: and you learn how to react and how not
to react in situations
HotPebble: true
SarahRedPrincess: i think i am ready for a relationship,
but the communication and honesty really has to be there,
and i think brian and i both realize there are ways we
both can improve in our communication with one another
HotPebble: yea
HotPebble: it will take time
HotPebble: dont rush it let it come naturally
SarahRedPrincess: yeah i know. the only really hard part
for me that i have to do right now, is tell lewis. we have
stared really talking and i hate doing the i cant be with
you thing
HotPebble: yea i kno
SarahRedPrincess: but i know i want to fix it with brian,
and talking to lewis wouldnt be honestly fixing it
HotPebble: yea lol
SarahRedPrincess: lol
SarahRedPrincess: part of me still wonders what if though
with lewis
SarahRedPrincess: ya know
HotPebble: yea u will have that
SarahRedPrincess: what if i met him for a reason
HotPebble: yea yea
SarahRedPrincess: i think everything happens for a reason
HotPebble: maybe hes the better person the one u should be
with???
SarahRedPrincess: i dont know. i think about so many diff
aspects when i think about it
SarahRedPrincess: i think too hard
SarahRedPrincess: lol
HotPebble: hey its all good
HotPebble: lol
SarahRedPrincess: i not only think about the connections i
have with both of them, which at this point id say my
connection with brian is way deeper, especially after all
we have gone through
SarahRedPrincess: but i also think about how things will
pan out in the future
HotPebble: yea
SarahRedPrincess: who would i be happier off with in the
long run, which connection would be stronger in the long
run
SarahRedPrincess: is there one person out there for
everyone?
SarahRedPrincess: i dunno
SarahRedPrincess: all of that
HotPebble: yea i kno me 2
SarahRedPrincess: who could i have a family with
SarahRedPrincess: who shares more values with me
HotPebble: yea
SarahRedPrincess: lewis smokes weed, which doesnt bother
me, but if he is planning on doing it for the rest of his
life yeah it does
SarahRedPrincess: hes not so sure about animals, and i
love animals, so does brian
SarahRedPrincess: i dunno there is a lot about bri
SarahRedPrincess: confusing
SarahRedPrincess: im talking your ear off lol
HotPebble: oh no no its ok
SarahRedPrincess: yeah so idk
HotPebble: sarah i wnat 2 be advice columnist
HotPebble: so this is my start lol
HotPebble: i think u should just cool it now tho like
SarahRedPrincess: yeah well start advising
HotPebble: haha
SarahRedPrincess: lol
HotPebble: i think u should take a break from baothof
them
SarahRedPrincess: yeah i know but i cant just keep leading
them both on
SarahRedPrincess: yeah
HotPebble: and then think about it and see who u wnat 2 be
with '
HotPebble: and if u tell brain that and he understands
then hes the one
HotPebble: lewis u just met
HotPebble: so u really cant compare and if u want 2 be
with brain then there is no reason 2 compare
HotPebble: unless u dont want 2 be with brain
SarahRedPrincess: yeah i soo agree and thats what he says
SarahRedPrincess: and i really do i am just afraid to let
down lewis
SarahRedPrincess: he is a sweetie and hasnt done anything
wrong
HotPebble: yea
SarahRedPrincess: and was saying how he never gets girls
and was so glad to meet me
SarahRedPrincess: it just hard to tell someone like that
HotPebble: oh man sarah u should have been likei cant get
involve right now i with someone and were having our ups
and downs now
HotPebble: cuz that woulndt have hurt him so much
HotPebble: as saying we cant be 2gether and now telling
him
HotPebble: thast like leading him on 2 somethin that can
never happen
SarahRedPrincess: yeah i know
HotPebble: hey i hate 2 do this but i g2g now but if u
wnat 2 talk u can call me
HotPebble: talk later
HotPebble: byes
SarahRedPrincess: kk bye bye
___________________________________________________________

I know that Brian is the one i want to be with, i just
whish for Lewis's sake that i had been more up front with
hi about my current situation. i mean at the time i did
think Brian and i were over. i had no reason to believe
that he would want to work things out. At any rate it was
dumb of me to rush right into something.
so now i have to make up and be honest with lewis. its
only fair to both of them. I just hate feeling like a
bitch, or like ive messed with someone's head when they
have done nothing to me.
its weird how mean i can feel like being if i feel like m
being messed with, and how awful i can feel about being
mean to someone who has taken me seriously.
But i know its not being mean its being fair, i just wish
i hadn’t gotten myself into this situation.
but i want to fix things once and for all. i want to start
what i know can be something great with brian. It just
feels right, and i haven’t felt that before, even with my
ex of three years.
i get so excited to hear from him, and see him. and when
im around him, its like im energized from it. i see so
much potential in a relationship with him, i feel we can
benefit each other, and grow in the right direction.
i even see myself being with him in a very long-term way,
with my ex and with anyone else i thought, ehh maybe, only
because we had been together, and my ex and i did go
through a hell of a lot, but after it all i felt drained
not energized. i figured i should be with my ex b.c of all
we had been through. with brian i just feel it, its
something hard to put into words. its not because of what
we have gone through, though i know it will benefit our
relationship. I just feel something intimate with him, and
not only in a sexual way, but in a diff way. i guess its
just something i feel, and it feel right, really right.


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