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2005-01-25 10:40:12 (UTC)

I'm horrid

I don't really feel like putting much down today. I just
want to say that I am crazy. I'm horrid. I can't seem to
do anything. From going to classes,to cleaning my house.
What the hell is wrong with me? Sometimes I really wish I
could cease to exist. This constant battle wears me down
so much. I am so tired, so exhausted from battling every
day just trying to be normal. I am not even close to
normal. Why can't I be? Why does it have to be so hard to
even do the smallest tasks? I am sitting here thinking
about how I really need to clean my kitchen yet I don't
even want to do it. I cannot stand it. I am going to have
to b/c it's gross. I just don't know why I have such a
problem doing things. Why do I just give up? Why do I fail
at everything? I am so mad and angry at myself, yet I know
I will never do anything to change it. I am so damn lazy,
I hate it yet I am too lazy to do anything about it. I
just want to curl up in a ball and sleep and let the world
move on right by me. Yet, I can't do that. So what do I
do? How do I fix it? And why does it have to be so damn
hard to do? Is anything ever going to just be easy once in
awhile? Am I ever going to know any kind of happiness
again? I have not been happy, truly happy in so long I
don't think I even remember what it feels like. Can't I
have some happiness? Something to lift my spirits? No, of
course not, because I'm evil and horrid and don't deserve
it. I must suffer because I'm terrible and unworthy. So
much to look forward to, really.

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