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8 - Home Again
She's not worth my time and she's not worth my heartache.
I had two hours to think about everything on the drive home
tonight. I threw out the letter that I had started. She
isn't worth the time that I put in to it. She's missing
out on something that could have been good. She's the cold
hearted liar that has to live with herself each and every
day. Honestly, that's probably misery enough!
Chirs Sheridan (guy from work) messaged me tonight. He and
I rarely talked on here so it was nice to hear from him.
He is one of many that I will miss. When he said goodbye
to me at DaddyO's Friday night he said something really
sweet that caught me off guard. He gave me a hug and
said, "I'd wish you luck but with a heart like yours, you
dont need any!"
I have thought about Michelle all day today. She's one of
those friends that you don't realize you have until you
don't have them anymore. She had such incredible things to
say when she and I were saying our goodbyes to each other.
She understood that this decision was just as hard on me as
it was on her. She said that she was proud of me for
making the right decision. She said that she knows the
journey ahead of me is going to be one of the hardest
things I've had to go through but that she was always right
by my side no matter how many miles were between us. She
told me she loved me as I got out of her car.
I've made a few promises to myself in the last couple
days. Promises in regards to things I want to do, things I
want to try harder at. I want to:
-Keep in close contact with everyone I've left
-Be a better family member. A better cousin to Rachel when
she needs me most. A better grandaughter to Granny. TO
take Brenda out every once in awhile.
-To take better care of myself. Physically, mentally and
-To work on the friendships that I've let fail here in this
area, especially with Jamalyn.
-To put myself first, to not let people use me again. To
keep a better guard up.
Those are just a few of the things I've had in my head.
Some are more personal goals that I dont care to share but
will keep you posted as the improvement (hopefully)
The drive home tonight was really really hard. I think I
cried through 3/4 of it. I felt so alone, I was so
scared. I realized that everything I owned fit into my
neon. I feel like I'm leaving so much behind... But, I
keep telling myself that I made the right decision. When I
got into Valpo I stopped and saw Jamie at work. She's
another one that has stuck by me even when my communication
skills were non existant. She's always been right there no
matter how far I push her away. I talked to her about 45
minutes or so before I headed for home. It was really good
to see her - I really need to keep up with her better. I
like having her in my life.
I've messaged Erin a couple times but I still haven't
gotten a response. Brat.
I talked to Ames online tonight. An ex from several years
ago. She and I have always kept in contact but we are
usually fighting. We had a nice conversation tonight with
no fighting at all. If we could have that all the time
we'd have the best relationship ever. Our fights are
always so horrible.
I want to call Heather so bad. I know it's 230 in the
morning but I want to hear her voice. She is always my
assurance that everything is going to be ok. I don't know
what I'm going to do without my rock beside me to help hold
me up when my world is crumbling. I feel like such a
horrible person for leaving her behind. We're always there
for each other and now I've up and run away again. I'm
Wow, so much more is going through my head but I should
really try to sign off and get some sleep. Dad is waking
me up at 930. I have been thinking of things that I want
to say to Antonio so I think that I may write him a
letter. I don't know, though. Part of me wants to open up
and tell him a few things and the other part of me says to
just let him go.
*sigh* I feel so fucking lost.
But, in a sense, this feeling has helped. I look back at
all of these thing and realize how much more they deserve
my attention. I need to put my attention and my focus on
things and people that are going to appreciate it. Maybe
she really isn't that hard to get over. Surprisingly, it's
been easier than I thought. Sure, I'm pissed off and I'm
hurt, but I don't really miss her. Karma has really helped
me through this! :) Karma, Bitch.