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2005-01-24 01:14:29 (UTC)

What is love....baby don't hurt me ...lol (referencing the song and nothing more)

Love, what is this feeling exactly?

Well, I've been in love before, and its a nice feeling, I
must say. The thought of not being alone in this crazy
world is very comforting, but then, aren't we always alone
anyways? Whether we choose to or not to be, we are. The
reason why we love is for our personal comfort in the fact
that there is always someone there for you to turn to should
you have to.

When I was in love with this one person, it was my first
time. I didn't know how to love, but then again, who really
does, considering 2 out of every 3 marriages end in divorce,
or something like that. Personally, I think I learned to
love through my parents, after all, we all learn from our
parents. I just pity those that do not have the same
support from their parents that I have had. I guess I am
lucky, and I must be. They taught me to be strong, and not
to regret, but to learn from my mistakes. But it is weird,
because of the way I have been brought up, I feel as if I
want to help those in need. I have a few friends whose
parents are divoreced, many I didn't even ask and yet I
know, mainly through their actions. They want to be loved,
yet because they have not been loved liked I have, they are
scared when I present a love to them different from what
they have experienced all of their lives.

During this time of mine in love, I loved like there was no
one else in the world, I gave this person my soul
practically, let alone my life. I've done so many things
for this person, many of which she knows about, and also
many of which she doesn't. It hurts me now, though, that
she apparently does not share the same love for me anymore.
Apparently. She, after two weeks, still cries
alone....where as I do not. Choices are made, as I have
said before, and everyone experiences from those choices. I
care for her, I still do, and I still even love her, after
all that has been said and done. But, there is another
feeling growing inside of me now, a harsh feeling, one that
I honestly can't believe I AM feeling. What is it? I won't
say, not now anyways.

In my first year of university, I took a class called The
Economics of Sex. Yes, it interested me, the title that
is... It was a very intereseting class, basically around
the question of why men and women date and love and all that
stuff. I learned that there are two types of loves, or
admirations, as my prof called them. Two types where two
people are able to be happy for the rest of their lives
together. The first is through visual attraction. Where,
everyday, when the two wake up, they fall in love due to
looks and physical appearance. And that is why they fall in
love, because they are deathly attracted to each other's
outside. The second is through mental attraction (I know
its called something else, and I can't remember) Here, two
people, although not the two best looking people in the
world, fall in love with each other because they connect on
the same wave length. Makes you wonder about the "never
judge a book by its cover" saying.

What was my love like? To be honest, I think it was both.
My love, at the time, had a strong mind, and independant
mind, although she may disagree. I still remember a great
debate we had on my den floor after wrestling with
eachother. Imagine, under a desk with a person in your
arms, experiencing anything you put your mind to. She was
also beautiful, and I (and I alone) fell in love with her
everytime I saw her. Many were attracted to her beauty,
unfortunately with the world we live in today, that is all
they are attracted to; thats too bad. This might have been
the problem. Love on two fronts? Maybe it was
overwhelming, or different, or even controlling....pure?
I'll never know.

Its over now, and, although through blind faith that I hope
it'll start again, I honestly think it won't. Was it a
chance of a lifetime, an experience to never forget? I'll
never know. I thought it could have been, i guess i was
wrong. Its funny. The whole time i was in love, i saw my
love, and nothing else. Faults were there, but I over
looked them. Now? I realize what faults were there, and I
question how I could ever love in such the way that I had.

They say it is better to love and have lost than to have
never have loved at all. I am still not sure about that,
but I am a bit swayed towards the voice saying "That is BS".
I spent a lot of effort and pure emotions towards one
thing, when I could have been doing the same in other
respects. I think that when you lose a love, you've really
lost two. One, the person you loved. Two, the person you
could have loved instead.

Its all memories now. And like all memories, they'll fade,
and be replaced. It still hurts, but not as much. Talking
helps, i've realized...especially with my mother. I mean,
if you aren't willing to work at something, then why have
it. But I also think, if you run from every experience you
have, what makes you think you'll be ready for the real
thing when it is presented to you.

Its funny, almost 90% of songs on the radio are about love.
People sing about, talk about it, reference it, yet don't
even know what it is. People spend their lives looking for
it, only to realize it was right in front of them. And then
it is too late. Well, what a waste of a life, huh? Why do
we live then, if not to live? We live for a reason, to find
out who we are, so that on our death bed, we are able to
look back and smile at our experiences of what made who we
are. We cant know who we are now, no one can, because,
tomorrow we'll all be a day older, with another experience
in mind, shaping our lives, our choices, our souls.

For now, i'll have to do without that last goodnight call of
the day, or the lunch time "hey whats up" call. But it'll
come back. One way or another. I'm sure of it. Of course,
friends will always be there, but friends have loves as
well, and lives, and both will be played out with or without
you. Its your love that grows with you, along side of you,
no matter what.

But hey, life goes on, and on, and on. People come, and
people go, by either your choice or theres. Mistakes will
be made, and regrets will result.

It still hurts a bit, but not as much. However, I must put
this pain to rest, or at least begin putting it to rest. I
need to start eating properly again, to sleep again, and to
warm up.

Is this goodbye? I'm not sure, not now anyways.