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2005-01-23 13:35:39 (UTC)

Why can't it stop?

Well I am awake. Unfortunately. What am I going to do
about this? I am going to the chiropractor on Wednesday,
but if it doesn't help then what am I going to do? Get a
freakin caretaker? A nanny for the girls? I cannot afford
that and I don't want someone else raising my kids. But
what am I to do? I am in so much pain and I am so tired
and all I want to do is sleep, yet I cannot. I am also
thinking that this Zoloft isn't working so well. It's
better than the Effexor by far. At least I'm not
hallucinating and going total bezerk. I have got to do
something about this freaking pain. It will not go away. I
cannot keep taking drugs for it. They are not really
effective for one, I don't want to be addicted to them and
have them control my life and I have two kids to take care
of. What am I to do then? How can I continue to live with
this pain? Will it ever go away? I don't even know how to
manage it. My house is a mess, I am so behind on my
classwork, I'm going to fail my classes and be put on
academic probabtion, my kids are suffering. This has got
to stop somewhere, somehow. This is the only way I can get
my thoughts down because trying to write is so hard.
Typing is so much easier on my hands and wrists.

Anyway, went out with Lance, Tami, Roni and Steve tonight.
Of course Lance flirted. He always does. Not that I mind.
Of course I don't. But I need to get my emotions in check
when it comes to him. He is very close to a best friend.
Then there's the other feelings that I am not even sure if
they are real or if it's because he treats me so good.
It's probably the latter. Besides, those feelings are
dangerous and I cannot let them be. I am lonely, and he is
such a gentleman. But he also knows me. He knows me so
well. Like tonight when I ordered my food, they asked if I
wanted fry sauce and Lance says "No, she doesn't like it."
I mean how many people actually know that?? If you had
asked Tami, she'd have no idea. Neither would any of my
other female friends. I've gotta stop thinking that
though. It's crazy thoughts that are just brought on my
loneliness and the need to fill my heart with something.
Donny emailed me again. Ahh. He is going to be the death
of me for sure. I am trying to hold back the rush of
emotions on that too. Another dangerous road only filled
with heartbreak. Of course that one is my fault and I
don't blame him, yet I can't stop the way I feel about
him. I'll always love him. He'll always have that place in
my heart. I have tried for 3 years to remove him from
there and have been unsuccessful. I don't think it's
possible. He might very well have been the one (I often
think it is so) but I screwed all up and it cannot be
undone. Ever. I know he has forgiven, but we can never go
back. Tis sad to think of it. So perhaps I should not.
Man, I am so tired. I need sleep, but know I'm not going
to get it. I think I'll go play on Pogo for a bit. Maybe
loosing games with bore me enough to sleep? lol nice try.
I could always read that stupid book. Can't even remember
the name. Nah, that'll just make me go crazy. Oh wait, I'm
already there.

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