2005-01-22 14:02:42 (UTC)

More E-mail

He emailed me again. I could not believe it. I know it's
crazy to even get excited about it. He was my best friend
though and I miss him so much. With all the heart ache
over the last 3 years, just to see the words and hear his
voice in my head, gave me such happiness. I know that we
cannot be together. Yet, my heart still belongs to him. I
will not tell him that though, because he might turn away.
If all I can have is his friendship, then I am happy with
that. I just do not want him absent from my life ever
again. I know that I cannot always control that, but well
you know. I sent him a reply again, and it ended up being
rather long. I always did that with him. It's like I could
talk to him forever about anything. I am so afraid though.
I have gotten so comfortable with my life and I have
accustomed myself to living out my life alone. I just
don't want to have that hope again. I can't bear to have
it ripped away. I won't do that again. I only hope that I
can me strong and not let myself fall. It took so long to
get up where I am finally at. I cannot let anyone take
that from me. I cannot even try. The risk is just too
great. Besides, why should I even open myself up to
anyone, not just him? There is no one for me, I do not
have a soul mate, I am destined to live my life single. I
have accepted that now. Why would I risk that? To go back
to that insecurity? To go back to wondering if that person
is going to stick around? Or run off with your heart, or
hurt you in other ways. I'm not putting myself there.
Remember, cold heart, ice blood. Cold heart, ice blood. I
have my children, family and friends to love me. I don't
need a man, boyfriend or husband. I am independant and I
can take care of myself. I just keep reminding myself of
how strong I am and how far I have come. It helps. Never
let my guard down. Especially with him, because he is my
weakness. Oh he is my weakness. Just be his friend. That's
all he wants anyway. He doesn't trust me, and he's right.
He has no reason to. Ahhh this makes my head hurt. I
thought I was done with my ritualistic self preservation
talks? Apparently not. I'm still glad I got to hear from
him. Even though it does cause turmoil.

On another note, I am still angry with my father. I wish
he wasn't so damn selfish and self centered. Why can he
not just realize what he is doing? He's back to drinking
constantly and being a jerk. Sometimes I just want to cut
the ties from him completely. But that wouldn't be fair to
the girls. That's their poppa. Even though he doesn't go
out of his way for them. I know he loves them, and they
love him. It just makes me so mad that he doesn't put
forth more effort. Like not calling Tenni on her birthday.
That was just crap.
I am also angry at Stephanie. She is being just as self
centered. I see her online and she doesn't even talk to
me. And the last time I went to Salem, she was supposed to
come have dinner w/Dad and I and she flaked out...again.
That's like the 5th time. I am sooooo tired of it. If she
doesn't care about us fine. I give up and quite tring. I
can't make her care about us or want to see us. Dad says,
well she is only 17. Bull-shit. That's just her excuse so
she can go do whatever she wants and not have any
responsibility. She doesn't even live with Dad or Annette.
She's living with "friends" becuase she says she can't
live with her mother, it was "making her ill" and she
won't live with dad. Does she think she's the only one
affected by the divorce? I am 10 years older than she and
it hurts me deeply. I've lost a whole family. I hate to
say it but it's true. Justin and I were never close. Caleb
doesn't write or email and I can't see him in Colorado.
That leaves Stephanie and Annette. I am uncomfortable
around Annette, even though I still love her. But it's
weird b/c she changed soooo much. I don't know her
anymore. And Stephanie only cares about Stephanie just as
Dad only cares about Dad. He has no clue about who I am,
or what I like or what I do. The thing that hurts the
most, he doesn't even want to. He has no real interest in
me and that hurts so bad I can't even explain it. Okay I
cannot even get into that. I will not start crying about
it. I will not let him hurt me. So anyway. Busy day I
guess. Time for some sleep.

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