lonely guy

lonely guy
2005-01-22 13:09:32 (UTC)

Dammit

Today at work i was fucking 43 Dollars over! WTF? im gonna
get that shit taken out of my check...arg...anyways just
wanted to get that out of the way...Ok...so i went back w/
jessy...i caved for the last time. I know that i shouldnt
of but i really hate hurting people. i really cant do it.
ive always tried to fucking please everybody. I always
thought i could and now im figuring out that ....i cant. No
matter what i do people get hurt. and it sucks. Kat came
into the gas station tonight and everything was going fine
and then i told her that i was back w/ jess. i shouldnt
even of told her. b/c she basically said dont talk to me.
dont call me. dont come see me...blah blah blah. basically
she said she hated me now and didnt want anything to do
with me. Which sucks. B/c she basically just left the only
person whos always been there for her. over something
really stupid. I dunno. it just kinda hurt b/c i stuck w/
when i didnt have a g/f and she had a b/f and i fucking
listened to her tell me about him and their problems for
literally hours out of the day. and im supposidly her "Best
Friend" but she just drops me just b/c shit didnt go her
way. Sorry kat. i didnt think u were shallow anymore?
erg..what the fuck ever man. I really dont think that these
two know how much stress they put me under. I just realized
the other day that none of my other friends have problems.
None of them. I mean...none of them have g/fs. I swear to
god i just want to change lives w/ them. I dont wanna have
any problems in my life. I dont want to have to deal w/
other peoples shit. It sucks...So...why did i go back with
jess?...i dunno i guess security. I mean. ive been w/ her
for a year and she knows everything about me. I mean
everything...shit that no one else knows. And she doesnt
care about it. I mean. she knows me better than anyone and
she still loves me. I dont have to act any certain way
around her and i dont have to take her out all the time.
She's fine just sitting at home w/ me and watching tv.
Plus...she called me all day for a week straight crying on
the phone and i couldnt take it much longer. She even had
to go and talk to a counselor b/c people at school thought
she was going to kill herself. Also kats starting dealing
and shit now and im not into all that. I mean. i love kat
to death but she'd be too stressfull to have as anything
more than a friend i can tell. i mean she's just my friend
now and she already stresses the fuck outta me. Plus she's
so conceited it makes me sick. I mean the fucking topic she
had on her journal after me and jess broke up was "I'm the
best...so deal with it!" and then she had one about how she
was going to get her hair done and how it was going to be
so beautiful and how she "Loves Herself" ...what the fuck?
isnt this the same girl who just cut herself and was
depressed about how she hated her life and no one cared
about her? but she goes and gets her hair died blonde and
purple and now she loves herself again? WTF? i swear to god
theres something wrong with her...But anyways this is the
last time i go back to jess. She already promised me that
she'd leave me alone if shit didnt work this time. She said
she's gonna change and id never be unhappy...i dont know
about all that i just know that i dont want to be alone
anymore....ive been alone almost all my life and i dont
want to be anymore its scary having to deal with shit on
your own...its nice to have someone that cares about me.
and its nice to know that no matter what kinda shit i go
through all day i can come home to someone who makes me
feel better...i dunno...i just wanna be happy i guess...but
i dont think thats an easy thing to do. Happiness is really
fucking hard to achieve. its so fucking hard that most of
the time i really dont even want to try for it. I dont even
want to try for anything anymore. it always backfires. Or i
screw up and end up fucking whatever progress i had
made...nevermind...im just babbling
later
sharief




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