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2005-01-22 06:19:26 (UTC)

Someone to love me

I'm not to sure what to do anymore, it feels as though
everything I've ever wanted suddenly slipped out of my
hands. I feel so alone, that I am not sure what to do
anymore. The one thing I wanted (besides this baby) was
Shane in my life, and I am not sure if I have that anymore.
It's been almost a week since I told him of me being sick,
and I have yet to hear back from him. It scares the hell
outta me, because I don't know what to do next. I loved him
more then anything in this world (though he didn't know it)
and now..... who knows, I'm to scared to call him and talk
to him, because I'm to scared of what might happen. I'm
always scared of the what if's. Sick isn't it? I've always
told myself, that I wouldn't open my heart to anyone ever
again. But I have one little flaw. It's sleeping next to
someone. I get VERY attached to that person. I told said,
about it and he didn't seem to care. Now that I have grown
an attachment to him, I'm afraid I've lost him..... that
hurts more then any words could ever say. If only I could
tell him, how much I feel for him, then it would be easier,
to let him go. But then again, it could also kill me, in a
way that I am not prepared to handle. I wish i knew what to
do. Because then everything would be so much more simple.
But life isn't that nice to us, and I need to face the
fact, that this baby will be the only baby that I will ever
have, and that I will never have the love of a man, that I
always dreamed that I would have someday, and it SUCKS!!!
If God, could only give me, some kind of sign, that I'll be
okay, and that I will have my greatest wish a family. Then
I know that I will be able to have power, to move on and
wait for that person, to love me. Even if it's not Shane,
then someone. I want someone to be able to love me, no
matter the sickness I now have.

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