brknhrtd24

rantings from a broken heart
2005-01-21 23:35:01 (UTC)

quick view of my past

oh another long suck weekend and we are supposed to
have a blizzard...anyway today was alright got
stuck late at work. i am tired and its only six thirty...i
really wish i had better (closer) friends, life is so
lonesome without
them. if you have friends that are good friends cherish
them dont ever let the one that you are with take them from
you i did that and now i am alone.

anyway previously i said that id talk about why living with
my parents sucks and my past so here goes: my parents were
alcoholics, mom smoked alot of pot, they were very abusive
to me when i was young...my mom was less so only a few
occasions where she really hurt me...i will never forget
once i was in bed asleep and she was fighting with my dad
she came to wake me to put me in the middle (as usual) so i
pretended i was asleep and she dragged me out of bed by my
hair and i still pretended i was asleep and she started
kicking me in the stomach and face, it was a tragic
experience...my dad was worse but only to me and my mom not
my little sisters i protected them i never let him hurt
them as he did me ever... he was always in and out of jail,
when he was in jail my mom had no money and we would go on
wic, my mom would go to the food pantry i was so ashamed,
when it got bad and i was beaten and bleeding to the point
i thought if i stayed he would kill me id leave and go to
friends houses and stay there ...i got into drinking when i
was fourteen to try to deal and soon learned that wouldnt
help i did alot of things i regret too many to describe but
even now i am ashamed of but i seeked loving attention from
guys because i never experience a man who cared about me so
i looked for it in other forms if you know what i mean and
drinking made it worse...then when i was fifteen i was over
my closest
friends house he was my best friend and he molested me and
tried to rape me... i moved out of home when i was sixteen
because the beating got worse and worse, i was nervous but
knew my dad would never hurt my sisters so it was okay...
some nights he would still show up my the places i was
staying and would even yell at me in front of my friends
there,
it was so embarassing, anyway he quit drinking when i was
18 and i moved home and it was good and nice, but like a
few months ago he started drinking again , he is not as bad
as when i was young but it still mean and verbally
abusive... the only thing i thank my parents for is it made
me strong and not afraid of anything (except allowing
others to get close, because when i do that i usually get
so hurt) they also taught me not to drink :-)..when i was
23 i was at a party and was raped by a guy we thought we
knew, it was painful i never told anyone still have not but
goodnight




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