destinys_orphan

Destinys_Orphan's Journal
2005-01-21 19:02:07 (UTC)

Am I a coward?

I have been up late every night this week. My nightmares
have returned and the anxiety is coming back tenfold. I
constantly feel like I'm going to throw up because my
stomach is always in knots. One thing after another is
avalanching over me and I find myself completely buried in
snow... again.

I have been dreaming and thinking about suicide. Death
seems like the only logical answer right now and it would
deffinatley take care of my pains. I have been a burden on
everyone and I never wanted to be. I am trying so hard to
get my shit together and everytime I think I am getting
somewhere FINALLY something else happens.

I am just ready to give up! Just lay down on the tracks and
wait for the train. I'm waving a huge white flag and no one
seems to see it and they just keep firing! I just want to
walk out into the middle of the battle and wait for a
bullet to find me. I just want it to be as painless as
possible, but as far as my luck is going, it won't be.

But, at least it would be over.

Matt went to Newberry to visit Kendra. He keeps telling me
that they are just friends, but does it really matter? Even
if they were more than that, there is nothing I can do
about it. He doesn't want me. I have to face that fact. I
think maybe I already have and so the thoughts of suicide.
I found my soulmate that I had been searching for and he
doesn't want me. That hurts. Bad.

My car is un-drivable because of an oil leak. It's just
pouring out of there as fast as I put it in. I have no job
to pay for it to be fixed, but now I have no car to find a
job to fix it!

My ex-boyfriend Jimmy just moved in across the street from
my mother in Newberry. There's nothing I can do about that
either. He hurt me pretty bad too. So now I don't just have
to worry about Matt in Newberry, I have to see Jimmy there
to when I visit my mother!

My staying with Karlyn and Norm is starting to get into the
way with their neighbors. I don't want to get them in
trouble so I have to figure out something else.

I JUST GIVE UP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I JUST WANT IT ALL
TO END ONCE AND FOR ALL!

But can I really go through with suicide? Is my will to
live too overpowering?! I guess we will find out.




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