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2005-01-21 12:47:52 (UTC)

3 - Well, She/I did it

I came home to an email from Amy that said:

Melissa I told you that I had a lot going on thsi week,
that Ive been having trouble sleeping, that my meds arent
working right. I warned you that I may not be "normal", &
you said you understood. I seriously think maybe we
shouldnt see each other anymore. I think that would be
best. If that means you dont want to takl to me anymore at
all, that will suck, but Ill understand.

and her journal said:

"ive decided (and i know shell fight me on it), that i
dont think m and i should hang out anymore, or at least
not almost every week like we have been since christmas. i
dont want the same things out of the relationship that she
does. i love her, but im not in love with her, and i know
im never going to be. i just think its ridiculous to use
that much money to see me. im not comfortable having a
sexual or romantic interactions with her, when i dont feel
that way about her."

I had to laugh when she said that she knew I'd fight her
on it. I totally agree with her and really wish I'd have
had the chance to say it first but I worked all day...and
night.. my first response to her email said:

"It's definitely for the best. Take care."

then after i read the journal i realized i didn't say
everything i want to so i added:

"It's too bad you don't have AOL because I keep thinking
of things to say after I've sent your email. Do you know
my one regret right now? Not telling you first that I
don't want anymore visits.. Well, not that I don't want
anymore but that I won't do it anymore. I wanted to be
the one to have the strength to do it rather than having
you push me away yet again (i believe there was a promise
to never let that happen again, but i'm not sure). I had
decided a few hours after we got to the hotel room that I
wouldn't return.

My heart hurts, my feelings are hurt.. I'm crushed but
damn it I'm worth more than lies. I will not have someone
I care so much about lie to me especially when it involves
my heart.

I'm going to miss you more than you'll ever fucking know,
Amy. I don't want to cut all ties with you, but many of
them will be gone.

I really hope you find what you're looking for in life.
And I hope that eventually you'll find that someone that
will love you unconditionally, 100%, with no exceptions
just as I did, still do, and always will.

I'm going to be around and I'm going to hope that you msg
me, that you email me soon. I want you in my life but I'm
pulling away for good this time. I'm always here when you
need a friend.

I love you."

Am I the only person left on this earth that means i love
you when i say it? that i dont randomly tell people that
i'm in love with them but not truly mean it? damn it, i
have the letter she wrote that said that she's in love
with me. this whole ordeal has been lie after lie. i
cannot believe i fell for her once again. haven't i
learned? obviously not.

I have more to write but I am just getting home from an 18
hour day and i need to get a couple hours sleep before the
tub men come in to work.

More later, I'm sure.. Besides, I have to paste you the
other things she wrote in her journal! :)