River's Search for Sanity
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2005-01-20 16:06:25 (UTC)

Last night

I spent the day writing in this new online form of
expression....trying to find the strength to move on.
I was dreading coming home and needed to vent some things
and I did..quite honestly I must admit..

I arrived home to find him playing eq yet again..he had
spent the day there and hadn't even bothered to clean up
after himself....he was all smiles.....friendly...flirting
with me..i was kinda astounded..how can someone tell you
they do not desire you sexually flirt like he does?
I ended up cooking dinner although he could have with all
his spare time..and cleaning up after him...i didn't mind
really..i just wanted to keep the peace and after all..i
wanted to cook my own dinner...
he finally got off the game around 7ish and wanted to
cuddle on the couch with me to watch a movie...we did..i
was hopeful that maybe the depression had loosen its grip
on him....he was content with me next to him but didn't
make a move to touch me or reach out to me...
we ended up falling asleep on the couch and when i got
up ..i left him there..the bed was mine...
he ended up coming to bed and snuggling with me..im so
confused..how can any man who declares he doesn't love
you..never has loved you and is dead emotionally want to
snuggle like that? am i just a human blanket?
yet...this morning..he is again flirty ...the only thing i
can imagine is he is horny and im available...but am i
ive begun to think of the possibilities of another man in
my life. someone who would treat me with respect and
tenderness and not expect me to be his slave or maid..but
someone who would put me first for a change.
my god..this man has never put me first..even with the CD
he wanted to produce.it was about HIM making money off
me..not about fulfilling my dreams because he believed in
me like I thought.
so..i joined a dating site..just to see what's out
there..is there a man out there who is capable of loving
me? of being my friend as well as my lover?
I don't know but I know that it took a lot of courage to do
that...now it's time for me to explore...i think i will :)