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2005-01-20 15:42:19 (UTC)

1 - Letter/Journal to Amy Grogan

Generally I try not to just jump into topics without giving
some sort of insight as to what I'm writing about first.
But, this journal is more for me than it is anyone else so
I'm just going to jump in. I'll fill in blanks when

I got back from Amy's this evening.

*AMY-Girl I met online a few years ago, fell in love with,
have loved since. Didn't meet her in person until here
recently. She lives in Columbus, OH (about 5 hours from me)*

This meeting did not go as well as any of the others. I
could tell from the beginning that I really wasn't wanted
there. I picked her up at her house and we drove back to
the motel. We laid down and she ended up falling asleep,
which was fine - we were both tired. American Idol was
coming on at 8 and she had mentioned wanting to go to a
friends house to pick up some clothes and then she wanted
to run to the library (I never figured that one out). I
tried waking her up but she just wasn't having it. At 7:15
I finally told her she had to get up. We were both hungry
and I wasn't wanting to wait until after American Idol to
get something. I could tell she didnt want to be awake. I
try not to take that sort of stuff personally but I did.
It's rare that we get time together in person and she knew
that this would be my last visit for awhile. I really had
thought that she'd want to be a bit closer, more
affectionate, more social than what she was being
considering I wasn't going to be seeing her for awhile. I
was wrong, apparently. We went to McDonalds, I bought us
something to eat and we went back to the hotel to eat it
while American Idol was on. The whole time (2 hours) that
it was on she sat at the table next to the bed. I stood
next to her so that I could just to be able to be close to
her. It got me nowhere. I just ended up looking like an ass
that was standing up rather than sitting on the bed where
it was more comfortable. After it was over we went over to
pick up her clothes, I bought us a couple sodas and then we
went back to the motel. She flipped through the television
and was asleep in no time. I tried to wake her up several
times to spend time with me and it got me nowhere. I was so
hurt at this point that I had considered taking her home
then and just driving home. I'd sleep in a rest stop for a
couple hours if necessary. But, I figured I had already
paid $40.00 for the room, I might as well not completely
waste it. Sometime in the middle of the night I felt her
arms around me. She apologized for falling asleep. It felt
so good to have her finally making a move to want me near
her. I cuddled in close to her, turned around and tried to
make it last but it was over just as fast as it had
started. She decided to read the phone book instead. I
tried to stay awake with her for most of this time just to
be able to spend that time with her. We finally laid back
down and fell back asleep. I woke up at 9 and waited until
10 to wake her up. That didnt work either. She finally got
up at 11:00. I still had some hope because she had
mentioned spending the day together because I didn't have
to go to work at all today. She had said that she knew her
mom didnt want us hangin' out there so we'd just find
somewhere to go. I went out and started the car and when I
came back in she was on the phone to her mom. I heard her
say that we were leaving in a few minutes and she'd be
home. My heart dropped. Our last chance at making this
visit something special and she was backing out of it. I
sad something about it and she said that her mom didn't
mind us being there after all. *shrugs* So, we went to her
house and sat on the couch for 2 and a half hours watching
tv. Not really talking, not really touching at all. At 2:30
she said she needed to get started on a couple things and
it was made apparent that it was time for me to leave. I
left without a hug, without a kiss... Nothin. I cried
almost the entire way to my moms house...

Now, I know that nothing serious is ever going to evolve
from this relationship/friendship/thing that she and I have
going - that's been made clear to me. But, I do love Amy. I
love her a lot. I've been told that she loves me too but, I
tell ya, love was not one of the several things I was
feeling from her in the last 24 hours. I felt so unwanted,
so unloved, so undesirable.... So used. I think that's what
hurts the most - I feel used. I spent $40.00 on the motel
room, 10 bucks on dinner & the sodas, and $20.00 each way
in gas. That's over $80.00 just to be pushed aside... for
that time to be used for catching up on sleep.

I have been willing to uproot my life, to try moving out
there, change jobs, leave family and friends behind... just
to see if something could EVER work with her. I've put some
of my feelings aside, let myself doubt my own worth to try
and be closer to her.. It's all worth it, but why do I feel
none of this in return?

Why am I so fucking hard to love?

When I signed online tonight I didn't have any email or
offline messages from her. Honestly, part of me was
relieved becasue I was afraid that, if I did have some,
they'd be telling me to stay the fuck away from her. But,
nope, there was nothing. I decided to check her journal and
see if she had updated. Sure enough, she had been online
and had time to do that. Take a peek at what she wrote: the
time with m...well, to be blunt, it sucked ass. i pissed
her off. im not really sure how, she wouldnt tell me. i
gave up trying to figure it out, because im all about
communication, which seems to be something that every
single person i have ever dated has a problem doing. maybe
next time will go better, i suppose. Ouch, right? I knew
that the visit didn't go all that wonderful but I didn't
compare it to sucking ass. Before I had read that I had
sent her an offline msg stating that was I surprised and
disappointed that I hadn't heard anything from her. After
reading it I told her that I understood why I hadn't gotten
anything, that I read that our time together sucked ass. I
honestly don't remember what I said but it was something to
the effect of not having to worry about it anymore.

After trying to wake her up this morning with no success I
sat down and started writing. Here's what I came up with: I
have never felt so undesirable as I do right now. I drove
all the way to Columbus yesterday afternoon and all I want
to do is go home. We've shared maybe 4-5 kisses, our
talking has been minimal and now, with only an hour left, I
can't get her to wake up and spend time with me. For once,
after all these visits, I feel that the money spent has
been money wasted. I almost wish I wouldn't have come out
here. Sara was right in telling me that it was a stupid
idea. I'm really considering telling her that this is the
last visit. I can't keep doing this to myself. I owe it to
myself to stand up for me and finally do whats right for
me. I truly love Amy. I love her more than I've loved
anyone in a really long time but sometimes it just isn't
enough. She says she loves me back and I think (hope) that
it's true but we just aren't on the same page and I'm not
sure we ever will be. I've asked her to wake up with me 3
times now and she's still laying here snoring. I'm going to
try and put my foot down and tell her I'm taking her home.
MY GOD THIS FUCKING HURTS! I wrote that through tears..

I know that communication is very important to her. I wish
she understood how much more open I have been with her than
I have anyone else. I'm not good at it - I cannot openly
face to face talk with a lot of people especially about
something that upsets me like this does. When we were at
her house she asked me if I was ok and I nodded yes. She
asked me if I was lying and I just smiled, I didn't say yes
or no. I dont like lying to her I just can't do it. I need
help, I need a bit of probing...Right then, I just needed
to be held.

She went on in her journal to mention how she had slept
with someone Friday night and had full intentions of
sleeping with him again this coming Friday. Tonight she's
at a guys house watching a couple movies. Something tells
me there's a pretty good chance that she won't be coming
home tonight and what she didn't get from me will be given
to her tonight... *sigh*

The saddest part, though, is that I still cannot find the
strength to let go. This is still not enough for me to cut
my ties with her. I have a letter here she wrote me that
states that she's in love with me...She's told me she loved
me... I just wish I knew what to do.. I can't continue to
be nothing but an occasional romp in the sheets. I'm worth
more than that....or at least I like to think I am. She
made mention of another visit.. is she actually wanting to
repeat this or does she have hope that the next one will be

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she isn't worth all
of this and then some. She's worth all of this pain, lack
of money and confusion... I'd do it all over again. I
just wish I understood why I wasn't wanted there this visit.

I love you.