The Diary of a Dead Girl..
2005-01-19 22:39:45 (UTC)

Another day in the life..

Well, yesterday Josh and Abe were argueing. Over me. I
think it is by far the dumbest thing to fight over. Well,
I do love Abe, but in a different way, as I have come to
believe. I mean, there are times when i feel like I love
him in that way but it isn't constant like it is with
Josh. And Abe is trying to discourage me by telling me
that he doesn't think that Josh really loves me. I know
that Josh loves me. And I love him too. I just wish that I
could never have to worry about other people again. i mean
like, it's been so weird lately. i actually kinda yelled
at brad today. I never thought I would do that. Ever. I am
kinda's worried about myself lately. I feel so different..
I wish I had someone to talk to.. I have so much shit due
for school.. I am stressing out over it all..

If I had a counselor or something that actually cared then
I would probably tell them all the things I am scared to
tell my parents. I would tell them how I have an internet
boyfriend, how I talk to him on the phone, how I text
message him even though I am not supossed to because it
costs too much, How I am so scared to be home when the
phone bill arives.. I am so scared.. I want to be able to
tell them but I am scared. Scared to death that they will
take him from me. It is not my fault that I happen to fall
in love with someone who lives miles and miles away. We
are just lucky that we found each other. I would feel sooo
much better if I could just let it all out.. and tell them
everything. Maybe then they will understand and I could
get free long distance and unlimited text messaging. That
would make everything so much easier. Easy was never part
of my life, though. I do not expect anything to be easy
anymore. I miss the simpler times where I didn't have to
worry about hardly anything. I want those times back.. but
those were times when the only friends I had were in my
head.. and I was alone.. Now I have someone. Now I can
really be happy instead of pretending. I still pretend
most of the time, but when I talk to him, I really am
happy. Whenever I am not talking to him, I simply pretend
that I am okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I want
someone to talk to, someone who can care.

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