Angel

DayDream Believer
2005-01-18 22:10:39 (UTC)

Speachless, but not senseless

No one is gonna belive me, gut I just gotta tell. Remember
the sense I had, that I would get Chris into my life agen?
Well I was at the uni`s study room writing it. Then my mom
called, and said I should get ready so they could pick me
up. Our nighbour Amy is in the hospital (the one who made
her childrem club members, its not because of the drinking
but there is a lot of healt problems)and my mom and Gracie
had wisited her with her three children. I went to the place
I shoul meet them, a grage at a mall. There I am, waiting
and waiting. We agreed on a time, and there I was and shes
not.
Then I see him Chris. Im like no way, this is not him, its
just a guy who`s far away and when he get closer I will se
that it dossent even look like him. It always happends when
Im in love and try to forget all about it (not that Im
saying Im in love, but thats when it happend before) I see
that person in every man I meet, for just a 1/100 of a
second and then they dont even look alike. I convince my
seef its not him, its my imagination running wild. And while
looking at him I start thinking this might be even more
serios than I though and I gotta get out of this now! But it
is Chris Im looking at, his hight, his hair (who I know
verry well) his glasses, his pants, his way of walking. (I
do sound in love dont I, knowing his hair and walk?) Im
waring a big brown coat, not exactly me, but I took my white
winter coat in the washingmashine this morning. Hes not
walking where Im, his taking a nother way out. I think he
dossnt see me, Im a little bit out of his sight and wearing
clothes thats not me. So I start thinking that I should do
somthing, go where he goes or something, so he can see me. I
want him to notice me first. I turn to walk towards him,
then my mum finaly comes and I have to go into the car
emidiatly or else we have to pay for parking there (she got
a card when she drove in)There is four children in the car ,
and I leave this perfect moment to go into a caos.
See, I do sense things. Or some boys. Its not the same as
looking into the future, I had no idea it was going to be so
quit. I still got a sense that something is going on.
Im sure it was him, he used to park there when he worked at
a building next by, and I think ho goes to a cafe a short
walk from there. I`ve been looking for him there a while
ago, but he wassnt there at the time. Guess where Im gonna
be next Tuesday at 7pm?
I feel so stupid, I jused to do this in the 4th grade,
search for the boy I liked, wait until I found him and
pretend it was a coincident or let him see me first. Im not
10 anymore, Im soon 21 and aparently stil using the same
tecic.

What is it about this boy?
Lets take a closer look. He make me feel special when I talk
to him, I dont think he does it on porpose, prehaps its moe
like then I talk to him I feel lucy and spesial. He is verry
tall, wich totaly turns me on. (and since Im verry tall for
a woman we look nice together)He has great hir, but dossnt
always treat it the way he should. When he talk he talks
verry low about himself, he dont show off the good things,
wich make me dissagree on him, telling him what I think.
(mybe thats a trick to let me see the positive things about
him)
Bad things: he dossnt keep his prommisses about showing up
when we have agreed on it. Thats verry rude and makes me
feel bad. It seemd like he have a lot of girl friends that
he go to see all the time, Im a but jalux of that. He has
sleept with a lot more pepole than I have ( me 1, him at
least 14) and he even had a treesome. (to is enugh for me at
the moment)He has become verry skinny, I dont like that, hes
verry verry skinny. I liked him better when he was a little
bit to fat than to skinny. (I dont like fat pepole, he was
just a bit big, now hes verry skinny and that dont turn me
on)He never seems to get the education he wants, and a boy
with no educatin is all right with me as long as hes
working. But his jobs always ends up in disaster. Study or
keep a job boy. Some of his clothes I dont like, but I guess
I can work on it. The fact that he has worn make-up scares
me. (its not like he`s gay, a lot of his friends is goths
and I thing it was eye shadow or something like that on a
party)I want to be the mummy with my make up, not fighting
over it with daddy if you know what I mean.
He is selfish, he`s like mrBig in sex and the city, one big
baby. I dont think all of his friends are people I like or
who would like me.

See, there is a lot of bad things. And afther writing them I
feel calmed down a little bit form what ever this is. I
heard on Oprah (yeah I know Im a psycology student and
should know better than listning to Oprah)In a show about
cheating, men who ceat on their wifes, that its not about
how she looks, not about how skinny she is or how much monny
she gots, not about beeing smarter then his partner, but its
about the way she makes him feel. I think it was an expert
or "expert" as my proffesor would have said who said it, and
Oprah repeted it over and over agen, its not about who she
looks or what she wears, its about how she makes him feel.
This might be the case with Chris, I feel so lucy to be the
one who get his attention when we`re tougether. Prehaps it
has nothing to do with him, prehaps its all me. It might not
be the way he show him self off, not "I got this car or this
much monny" like other boys, but this and this is wrong with
me, so I say no you`re so perfect lound and it just goes
into my mind.
Mybe it goes back to the day we first meet. I think it was
the third time I was seeing Dante. He took me in to the
cyber cafe (where I started working afther Chris had quit)
and Chris was working. He was so tall and handsome. I wassnt
really falling for Dante, not the way he fell for me. But
for Chris I fellt. He came off so smart and nice and I did
everything to be around him that summer. And even thogh me
and Dante was together I said no we wassnt when Chris asked,
just so I would be awaileble to Chris. I didnt always wanted
to spend so much time on Dante, but if I knew there was a
chance Chris would be there I hang on.
He was important, good, sexy everything I wanted in a boy.
And it was so hard to find him. So when we had talked at the
chat, or meet just us, not Dante involved, I feelt so lucy
to have thet time with him, and so good about myu self who
was able to get it. (Chris wanted to see ME today, etc.)And
mybe some of it is stil there, that its a feeling I should
have let go to, but hassent. Like it belongs in the past
with the other stories.
Im gonna go to bed now and do some more thinking, and I mean
thinking not sensing.

Good night, Angel




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