Sweet Recee

Lioness
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2005-01-18 17:58:13 (UTC)

Lonely

Sean didn't call last night like he said he would. So that
means he fell asleep and didn't even think of me.

How sad. He's the only thing on my mind before I drift off
to sleep.

We had such a great time yesterday. And after we parted,
he said he didn't do anything. So what was the point of me
leaving? He sounded really bored. I bet he wishes I would
have stayed. But me leaving was his idea, not mine. He
thought I'd be lonely by myself, and it's true, I would
have. But I would be all alone here as well, so what's the
point? He has no food at his house. So that could play
into it, I guess.

Sean and I have gone through so much. From the very
beginning, our relationship was bombarded by issue after
issue. It started out with Merideth, the jealous cousin
who wanted a little more than a cousinly relationship. She
made sure to make my life a living hell, just to get the
point across that she did not want me to be involved with
her beloved cousin. Sean and I, however, were not going to
let her stand in our way. We really liked to spend time
together and who was she to tell us that we couldn't see
eachother?

Then there was the whole period of time when we weren't
sure what we were, friends, more than friends, a couple...
And we had a lot of issues about it. I wanted more than
he was willing to give me.

He went through a period of hustling, and that nearly tore
us in half. I was so dissappointed when I found out that
he was smoking weed. And boy was I angry when he came in
my presence while he was high, acting stupid and goofy.

Then, the big one, the one that promised to do the job once
and for all... He found out that his ex has an STD. why
was this an issue? because he had slept with her while he
was with me. more than once. because he wasn't sure what
level we were on as far as relationships go. why he did
it, i'll never know. i didn't ask for it. i thought it
was clear that he wasn't supposed to be with anyone but
me. in fact, i was certain. He knew it, but since I never
really said it... that's no excuse. just thinking about
it makes my skin crawl... He felt so bad the night he told
me. he was close to tears. how could he possibly hurt me,
the most beautiful person in the world to him, so much?
How could he do it? What was he thinkning? Simple. He
wasn't. That night he told me that he was going to tell me
when he committed himself to me. He told me that he was
afraid that I was going to leave him. He kept telling me
to leave because he didn't want me to see him that way.
But I refused. I stayed with him that night, consoling
him, assuring him that I wasn't going anywhere and that I
loved him.

I don't know why I did it. It didn't really hurt all that
much to find out that he had been cheating... It was like
I always knew, deep down inside, that he wasn't all mine
yet. He wasn't my boyfriend. I had higher expectations
for him than he was ready for. The fact that he always
suspsected that I was being unfaithful, even though he had
no cause to believe so was one of the indications that he
wasn't right within himself.

It's strange, because I hardly feel like that ever
happened. It's like we bounced back immediately. The very
next day we had resolved the conflict and we never looked
back... except maybe in our own minds. that night I proved
to be stronger than he thought. Much stronger than he ever
gave me credit for. just because I shed tears doesn't mean
I'm weak. It proves that I have a heart, that I am
affected by the world around me. things make me sad...
tears don't mean weakness. they mean compassion. not
being afraid to cry is a strength in itself.

People fail to see that. Crying doesn't stand in the way
of success. Sometimes I have to cry, just to get my
emotions out of the way. It has to come out in some form,
and if it be tears, so be it. Once I've cried I feel like
I can move on.

The strange thing is, I don't remember crying when I found
out about him and Dominique. I kept a straight face, not
showing any emotion at all. That worked far better than
tears would have. I didn't want him to feel bad for me. I
wanted him to feel bad because what he did was wrong. I
let him eat at himself, and not feed off of my emotions.
If I had cried that night, we wouldn't be together now. He
marveled at the fact that I didn't burst into tears right
away. And it made him hurt that much more, to take on all
of the pain for himself. And he hasn't hurt me since.
Because he knows that hurting me will only hurt him. It is
far too easy for me to find someone else.

Since then, he proposed to me. Now I'm wearing a diamond
ring, something that she never got, because every time he
was going to give one to her, she fucked it up. I think
that that was a sign that she wasn't right for him. she
cheated on him. she was so stupid. and it's because of
her that I had to work so hard to prove that I would be
true to him. That i would never hurt him. and now that
I've got his trust, i'm never letting go. i've come too
far...


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