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2005-01-18 02:50:31 (UTC)

Diary huh? Maybe it'll work

So now i have an online diary, hopefully i can maintain
this one a hell of alot better than a manually written
this weekend i drank too much, again, and did something i
regret, again. I kissed josh v and i really wish i hadn't.
i honestly don't remember doing it but several people have
told me that i did so it must be true. i guess the fact
that i don't remember should make me feel better, i mean
at least i know i wouldn't have done it if i would have
been sober. in sunday i got a text from his ex that
said "did you have fun last night" i knew she must be mad
at me because i know she still has feelings for him and
she's confided in me about that topic more than once. I
knew that if i tried to explain she'd never believe me so
i just played it off like nothing had ever happened by
replying "Yeah! you weren't there were you? i haven't
gotten to party with you in forever!" she didn't answer so
i think i'm ok. i honestly can't believe that i'd kiss him
because i think he's disgusting, i really can't stand him.
Ashley says that she was trying to get beer from him and
that she said she'd kiss him for his beer and he told her
that he wanted to kiss me, so she talked me into doing it.
then today Austin came up to me and said "sounds like you
had a good time sat" and i said "i did not do anything, i
don't care what anyone says!" It really tears me up that
Austin knows because i've always seen him as one of my
best friends and lately my feelings have been changing for
him. I'm not sure what i want with him but i knoe that him
seeing/hearing about me and other guys doesn't make thing
look good for chances of anything ever happening between
us.i guess that's how i'll deal with it, just deny that
anything happened. it's not that i'm ashamed that i kissed
a guy, it's the fact that it that guy! i kissed Robbie
that night too but it didn't bother me! i just really need
to cut back on drinking, i've set a drinking strike
foruntil the 29th because i can't not party on my
I aparently called Dustin on Saturday too, i don't know
what i think i'm going to accomplish by doing that. it's
become such a "ritual" that i don't even remember doing it
anymore! isn't that pathetic?! this time was the worse, i
text him and called him, he did at least text me back. he
said that he couldn't come to Waverly because he was at
home in independence. I text him back the next day to try
and explain myself. i wrote something like "have you ever
been so low that all you do is drink so much that you
can't remember your problems? i don't know why i chose to
take out all my drunk dialing on you but i'm really sorry,
no wonder you never wanted to be with me, i'm really not
stable" he didn't text me back but i'm really glad that i
did that. i felt so much better explaining that i wasn't
just trying to get him out here so that i could "make him
my own" of whatever he probab;y thought, i'm just not very
happy right now and for some reason i think he could help
me. i've always seen us together, i can't see myself
permatly with anyone else and i really think that someday
he'll think the same way about me.
aaahhhh... i feel so
much better, kinda like i just talked to someone really
deep- but i know that this person won't talk;)

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