Estrella

Being 33
2005-01-18 00:41:48 (UTC)

Today was not the best of..

Today was not the best of days...I woke up a little sore, I
guess I'm not over my cold after all...I did the same thing
I have been doing for the last month...ran to the computer
to see if I had an email from him, all the while reminding
myself that chances were slim that he would have
written....I was wrong and happy. He wrote back to
me....nothing really personal, just a comment back on my
assesement of his city. I am here, in his hometown, while
he is miles and miles away, across the atlantic, in our
love town. I read the email, hoping to find a loving tone,
a hidden "I miss you"..nothing.
I cried, a lot, and changed my plans....as sunny as it is
here, my whole demeanor changed, I was crying inside. I
wish I had a switch on my heart and that I could just say,
to hell with you, I am done loving you. but I can't. I
understand why he doesn't want to be with me and I know
that he is possibly right and that we wouldn't have made
it...but I love him so much, and we got along so well, that
it is hard to give the dreams up. for the first time in my
life I actually visualize myself marrying someone...saying
I do, exchanging vows, spending my life with just that one
person. I am sorry I can't get over it. I still want to be
Mrs. Ass-o

I wrote back to my past and gave him the phone number of my
hotel. He called me, we talked. It is always weird to
talk to him. It has been years since we saw each other.
Years since we loved each other. It is still weird toknow
that he may marry someone else. He seems happy. I hope he
is. I want to see him. Probably a bad idea, especially
now, but what the heck!

Mom's not doing so well. She is really worried about the
kids. My brother-in-law seems to be over my sister's death
and is dating. This should be good. But now he never sees
the kids. He just goes home to shower and during the
weekend he drops them off at his mom's. Mom wants to
retire now and take over the kids...not sure I am ready for
what that means. I want my own life now. I am 33. If I
help my mom go thru this, that means that I will work to
support them; will not have enough money to support myself
and them and will probably make my chances of meeting
someone slimmer and slimmer.

that's today's take...it can get better...
It will get better.
17-Jan-05
16:40 PST


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