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2005-01-17 07:13:44 (UTC)

What exactly goes through a guys mind.

This is my first time writing in a journal online. I love
journals, and i never really saw the point of keeping an
online journal. Then my boyfriend became obssesed with
the girls from his work and thier online journals, so i
decided i would try it. I am completely confused as to
what guys think? I moved in my boyfriend Ryan about a
month ago. We have dated for a little over two years, and
i am head of over heals for this kid. Infact, moving in
with Ryan was one of the most exciting things that has
happened in my life so far. I love playing the role of
the little house wife. Making him breakfast, lunch, and
dinner when we both have off work. (Trying to keep up on)
Cleaning and keeping our apartment nice. Making sure we
always have good food to eat, and buying things to make
our apartment look comfortable, after all it is our home.
Keeping in mind i am a waitress and usually make no money
(especially since it is winter and the waitressing carreer
is not helpful during winter months). But every dime i
make i spend on us. I just want us to be happy. Lately
all i can think about is what if i made a mistake, what if
i pushed him to live with me. We have been through so
much together i hate thinking we couly ultimately end up
with other people. Well tonight i have been completely
bothered. Understanding that i am a bit more sensitive
then most 18 year old girls, i still believe i wasnt out
of line in feeling crushed. Last night Ryan had his
friend dennis over and they played video games till 5
a.m. Well ryan was suppose to take dennis back to his
house today, and instead slept till 4. I wanted to go to
my families to visit and do our laundry and such, so i did
not want to wait for him to get up and get showered.
Therefore after i got home from work i immediatly left,
not angry at Ryan one bit. Well he said he would take
Dennis home and meet me in Mukwonago. I called him a
couple times becuase i wanted to make sure he was goign to
meet me back there at 9 becuase i had planned to make us
Lasagna. I went grocery shopping for everything and was
so excited. Although i really wanted to spend the night
at my parents and not drive back, making ryan lasagna was
so exciting i figured it was worth it. As i drive up to
our apartment i notice Ryans car is there and get
extremely excited thinking he is already back. Yea.... he
had not even left to take dennis home (40 minutes away).
I just brushed it off, cuz i was to excited to make
Lasagna for us and have a nice evening together. Well
then he goes on to tell me him and dennis will stay and
eat, but then hes leaving and sleeping at home. So im
completely frustrated, because if i would have known that,
i would have been happy with staying at home. So i said
fuck it, ill make Lasagna another night. But got really
upset. He then proceeded to bitch at me cuz "i lost his
work pants". Um... no, he cleaned up his clothes last
night that he had thrown on the floor. I know this
because i left then there to see how long it would take
him to pick them up. That and the fact that i woke up at
4 a.m. and saw him hanging up his clothes. Something that
needs to be understand is this man has the worst temper i
have ever seen, that and he smokes, which i think actually
makes his temper. Its often depressing. So here i am
crying and upset, and he has the nerve to bitch at me
about his work pants... blah blah blah. Only 15 minutes
later to find then on the dresser in the closet where he
clearly put then early this morning. But him thinking hes
god can never be wrong. And i get blamed for it. It is
so frustrating to date someone like that. I always get
yelled at, and made feel like a complete idiot. Like i
never do anything right. Sometimes my heart hurts so bad
that i wonder about so many things. After all my mom got
married when she was 17. And got divorced at 33. I dont
want to be that person. I know i want to marry this man,
and i know its only been 2 and a half years, and im young
and blah blah blah. But if you would know me, you would
know i am ready for it. I love a serious relationship. I
love thinking about being married to ryan, and having 7
kids with him, and spending the rest of my life with him.
But i am sensitive and thats not goign to change, just
like ryan has a horrible mean temper, and thats not going
to change. I just dont want to be that couple that has
kids and has to get a divorce, i want to be happy.
Granted i have more happy times with ryan than bad times,
but sometimes it cuts close and almost evens out. Am i
suppose to go through a life and marriage with the one
love, feeling a broken crushed heart everyother day or
week. I know the good times would make up for it. But i
dont know how many more heart aches i can take. Im always
getting yelled at. Always made to feel like an ass, cuz
im a "pyscho bitch". Well hi, ryan cheated on me, has
snuch around, lied, and after like 2 days of a break, made
out with somoene i went to school with. How should i not
be pyscho. Sometimes his selfishness just frustrates me.
But i suppose i ask for it, or in some way deserve it.
Right now i am just going through a tough time, and i dont
want to seem like a little girl and complain about life.
But the truth is, im a little girl at heart, i just dont
want to bring ryan down by my mood. The point is, i need
him the most now, and he seems to only make me feel like
shit. Well its way past my bed time and that was enough
complaining about the man i love for one night.