Is it that hard to buy beer?
so around here we get our beer at bars, if we want to drink
on sundays. stupidly enough alcohol is not sold in
supermarkets but you have to go to liquor stores. christ.
of course the lord jesus was too wasted on sundays to drink
so he shut down the fucking liquor stores on sundays cos he
was a mean hungover drunk. so there i am with the pats and
colts playing, the rats shittin' all over the apartment and
in dire need of a beer.
i cringe at bars, i despise the atmosphere they present, and
more than anything i despise the sorry drudges of slime
inhabiting them. i hate it whenn they touch me as they
stumble past me in their drunken stupor and i hate it when
they engage me in discourse lavishing their stench of breath
in my face. needless to say this was a problem from the
so i enter and as i go to open the first door, it swings out
at me with a 300 lb. 2 toothed white woman staring at me in
that blank miserable stare which is usually alcohol induced.
"hey nawh, lawhk herya sweeeeeetheard, i'ma only holden dis
dor for ya for anothers fives seconds, then itsa not for
i'm assuming she meant that i would have to suck on one of
her incisors if she had to hold the door for more than 2
seconds so i quickly grabbed it and manuevered around her.
i amble up to the bar where about 300 mexicans are sitting
yelling something that sounds like hitler's address to
nuremberg, at the t.v. screen. i look up and realize that
the game has started!
this woman who looks like she just polished off 3 six-packs
stumbles towards me and says,
"what can i get ya honey?"
"um a six-pack of, ummm," first thing i see is bud light,
she stumbles off towards the back of the bar even though the
six-pack is within arm's length of her. i watch her go and
come back about 5 mins. later.
"so......what can i get ya?"
"ummm... the bud light?"
with this she stumbles off again and comes back, this time
with a full pint glass which i assumed to be bud light.
"no, no, i would like a six pack" i yell the last part at
her and she looks up at me all offended,
i just point towards the six-pack of choice.
"oh! oh okay!"
and she ambles back to the back room.
i stand there in a sea of screaming mexicans with one of the
women just staring at me. i look over catch her eye and
quickly avert it. too late. she gets up and walks over and
stands about an inch from me. i keep focused on the game
and pretend she's not there. she's doing something to her
beer bottle with her mouth that is insane and i'm sweatin'
nuts as the 2,000 lb. sewer rat with about three hairs for a
mustache notices that his prize, lumpy-skinned, trophy wife
is flirting with a white guy who looks like he's sweatin'
he gets up and walks over to us, just as the bartender comes
"here ya go."
she hands me a six pack of pilsner urquell.
"here you go."
i give her a 10 and she keeps it. i stand there and stare
at her, she stares back.
"you can't take that with you."
"but i just bought it?"
"nawh, nawh, THIS!"
i realize she is indicating the pint glass.
"oh, i didn't order that."
all one word. nice.
"no i didn't, i wanted a six pack of bud light and i have it
"that's pilsner urquell."
I pull am about to turn as the scariest thing in the world
just happens. the lady that siddled up next to me takes the
pint of beer and starts drinking it. i creak my neck over
to check out gonzalez and realize that he is currently
distracted by the game. i hit the after-burner and book it
out of there. jesus, this fastest growing minority has been
the cause of the two most awkward moments of my life in the