Soul Flares
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2005-01-16 22:09:07 (UTC)

Bloody Floor

To cut, or not to cut. THAT is the question. I know I
shouldn't, but there are a LOT of things I shouldn't do,
that I end up doing anyway, still . . . I just don't know, I
mean I know I could get away with it without anyone catching
on, but in the end it only makes the pain worse. I know
that, and still . . . it's just so tempting, to make the
pain go away for just a little while, make all my
worthlessness go away, just for a few moments. Only to come
back with a better punch. I just don't know what to do, I
want to make the pain go away for good, but how do I do
that? I have no one to lean on, I used to have Cori, but I
worry about telling her some things, I just don't want to
admit out loud my problems, at least not when other people
are there to listen. After all, venting to people only gets
me complained to, "my life sucks more than yours" bla bla
bla. I don't want to hear that, I want to hear, it's ok, I'm
here for you. It's what I hear myself say to others. So is
it so unfair to want to hear it back? To want to have a
Boyfriend, and then, I don't want one. I feel so empty, I
pray, but find no answers, so I wait. But I'm not sure how
long I can keep that up. God has his reasons I know he does,
and I know I can't understand them, I just wish . . . I had
someone to hold me, to help me.