Living Out Loud
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2005-01-16 15:09:34 (UTC)


I am a bad bad bad person. I don't think I've ever had a
boyfriend that I have not cheated on. And see, it's one
thing to have a boyfriend here and cheat at home, because
he never has to know. But it's something entirely different
to cheat here. OK, so I went to a party with Mo and the
girls Friday night. We were drinking and having fun and
such and I was just talking to this guy and I catch Mo's
eye and she shakes her head no, like, this is a bad idea,
stay away. So I make up an excuse and go somewhere else.
And then I run into her again and she's like, no, i was
wrong, go for it. it turns out it's his birthday and
everybody wants to see him celebrate. so he and i start
dancing. i should mention that he's really cute.
and all the girls (who know i have a boyfriend) are staring
at me like, "what is this girl doing? bad bad girl." and i
don't care. and then we start making out on the dance floor
and then i REALLY want to stay with him b/c he's a really
good kisser.
but i feel bad. so i'm like, "hey i think my friends want
me to go." and he's like, "you can't leave." "why
not?" "because i may or may not be enjoying this
time." "may or may not? it's one or the other." "well the
former then." so i'm like, "ok, i'll stay for a little
while." and i do, and we dance and make out some more. and
finally he's like, you should stay the night. i'm like, i
should go home and you'll call me tomorrow. "i'll call you
tomorrow anyway, but you should stay." "ok, fine, you
talked me into it."
soooooo... my first random hookup ever in college.
it was great too. he was funny, cute, sweet, etc... and he
kept complimenting me all night --
"you have an amazing body.."
"how do you have such a great rack?"
"you are incredible..."
etc.. etc...
and he wasn't too bad himself.
then Jen walked in, and Mo walked in, and everybody knew
what was going on, and so i was embarassed, but whatever.
nobody cared. none of the guys knew i had a boyfriend, so
they didn't think i was too bad. i guess. i don't know.
but the night with Jeff was amazing. at one point he went
to get me stuff so i could take my contacts out (really
sweet) but when he went downstairs they wanted him to play
Beer Pong with them. so he comes back up and asks me if he
can go!! i was like, "yeah, sure, fine. (what the hell is
he asking me for?)"
but he was funny and sarcastic and older and taller and
really kinda cute. what more can i ask for, really?
so it was amazing and i didn't want it to end, but of
course i had to leave the next day. at noon. and he didn't
ask for my number. dammit. oh well. it's probably for the
best. plus i'm sure i'll see him sometime soon anyway. or i
can if i want. sue and mo are doing some detective work for
me on him anyway. i can wait for reports back.
but i'm totally smitten. smitten is the word of the day...

so then after i got home at 12:30 from going out last
night, i went to lunch, came home and took a nap, and then
went out with bob to olive garden to celebrate our one-
month-anniversary. ugh. i don't know if it's just in
comparison, or just 'cause i'm feeling guilty or something,
but i've definitely decided that i don't want to date him
anymore. we're just not right. the whole night, little
things just kept bothering me:
-- he doesn't know how to make conversation. i was talking
about random stupid things the whole time just to fill the
air, so we wouldn't be there staring at each other in
-- i hate the food he orders. he wants to go to the olive
garden, which is great, i love it there. but we waited for
at least a half an hour and then when we sit down, he
doesn't even look at the menu. he gets the same thing he
always gets, pasta with basically marinara sauce. I could
make that! and yet we waited how long for that table? it
bothers me that he never tries anything different.
-- it really bothers me how completely innocent he is. at
first i thought it was cute, but now it's just annoying.
he's never been pulled over, just started drinking last
year, he once turned down a girl who liked him because she
got a D in Geometry. And for Christ's sake, it's been a
month and a half of dating (this doesn't even count pre-
dating) and we haven't even moved past the pants yet.
-- everything is so awkward. we're making out and he stops
to clear his throat and he's like, "do you like it when i
caress your boobs?" aaaahhhhh. so awkward. what am i
supposed to say to that? NO, please stop and get off me? so
of course i do the same thing i always do in awkward
situations with guys... giggle giggle, yes of
course. "good, i think i'll do it some more then." arg. i
mean, i really like my boobs. i know i have a nice rack.
but they've taken a beating in the last couple days. Friday
night before i went out with the girls i went over to his
dorm and we messed around. then i went out (braless) and
was dancing for a long time (that hurts). then jeff got to
them (not so bad, really, but after a while it gets sore).
then i barely got a break and last night was Bob again. I
suppose it's my punishment.
-- the whole time we were making out last night (Bob) I
just kept thinking. this is not working. this is not doing
anything for me. i don't want to be a teacher. i want to be
with a guy who has a clue what he is doing. can you go yet?

so the problem is, i have to break up with him. i really
don't want to date him anymore. but it's nothing really
against him, it's just he's not for me... we're too
different. but the band dance is coming up in two weeks,
and then the all-school formal a week after that. and he
already asked me to the band dance.
my secret wish is that i'll go to the all school formal
with Jeff. i'm sure some of his friends are going with some
of the other girls, and i think it would be really fun. i
don't really want to go with Bob because he would not fit
in with my friends.
so i have to find a way to break up with him without
hurting him (not going to happen, i know) but somehow
keeping the band dance in perspective. i've got to talk to
people. maybe i'll talk to steph. she might have some
ideas. arg. anyway, back to work. not back to daydreaming
about Jeff (what IS this obsession?) but back to homework
and laundry.

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